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Old 02-06-2014, 05:05 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
I completely disagree with you.
That's fine. Disagree all you want. Your disagreeing doesn't change the rate of probability. It's good that you're here and talking about what you want - this forum is a great resource to educate yourselves. Have you read much of it? You will find a wealth of information if you use the Advanced Search and Tag Search functions for the terms "triad," "unicorn," and "couple dating," for a start. And take a look at our Website and Book Recommendations thread.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
I am out to create a successful triad and so is my girlfriend. We don't want to have separate boyfriend and girlfriend. That's not what polyamory is about to us.
I understand that's what you want. That's what a lot of newbie couples comprised of a straight male and bisexual female want. We read their stories here every day. Then reality sinks in. After having read those stories here for nearly the past four years, and talking to people at in-person poly gatherings, what I have seen is that the successful, long-term triads have only come to be after having evolved organically out of friendships or separate relationships - never when a couple goes looking for one. Most people here will agree with me (unless they are newbies with unicorn-shaped stars in their eyes). And those successful ones are few and far between. Seeking to plunk someone down into a triad configuration like a puzzle-piece very rarely has a happy ending.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
It is very likely that this will happen and soon because there is someone out there who can fit perfectly.
Are you saying you already know someone who has expressed interest? If so, well, then good for you! Congrats. If not, unless you live in an extremely poly-friendly city, it will be extremely difficult to find someone - that's just a fact. As I stated in my earlier post, you can easily find bi or bi-curious chicks who just want threesomes. But if you are looking for loving relationships, it is much more of a challenge to find one bi woman who will be compatible with and desire both of you at the same level. That is all I am saying - there is a reason they call them unicorns. A bi woman who will easily fit right in with loving and sexing an existing couple, and who will be very compatible personality-wise, intellectually, and in other ways with both of them, is pretty much a mythical, impossible-to-find creature.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
These are different times that we lived in. For example, when I was in grade school (1st) there was one kid in my school who's parents were divorced.
I don't know what that has to do with anything. I'm not talking about 30 or 40 years ago - I am talking about today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
All I'm trying to say is that people have needs and instead of having booty calls on the side we'd rather share.
Yes, well, you and she want to "share" this third person, but will that woman want to share herself with you both? People aren't objects to be shared by others, anyway. People share themselves or not. The "Couple Plus One" stance very rarely works out successfully.

I get that you don't want casual sex, and I wasn't recommending that. But when you start looking for a girlfriend to date both of you, be prepared and know that is what you will most readily find, as opposed to someone who wants a serious relationship with a M/F couple. It won't be easy, if it happens at all.

Most of all, think more about what you could offer such a person, not just what you and your gf want out of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
She's bisexual, I'm not. I don't want her with another man and she doesn't want another man. She wants a woman. Whether we all start living together is one thing, and that's hard to do but with time it will happen.
When you search this forum, I recommend you also look up the term "One Penis Policy."

There needs to be a dating period, without a doubt. No relationship falls into place instantly. If you do meet someone who wants to date you both, take it slowly, don't expect or demand exclusivity right away, and be sure to each date her separately, and not always as a couple. There are four relationships in a triad: A + B; A + C; B + C; and A + B + C. Take your time, let each person grow in the relationship at their own pace, even if you get impatient, and don't move anyone in with you until at least a year of dating.

If anyone wants to move in with you right away, be suspicious. Many a couple has been burned by young manipulative women who only took advantage of them for a place to stay or financial help.

I wish you luck!
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-06-2014 at 06:04 AM.