Originally Posted by Cohagen
Sounds like what I've warned people about, it only works for a little while till one partner feels less worthy than the other.
Best thing to do is put a stop to your relationship lest the wife seriously retaliates. She already feels threatened by you so nothing you or your bf/ her husband can say or do will ease her feelings about you and your place in his heart.
Certainly, insecurities about "worthiness" can come to to fore-front as people explore poly relationships. This is why it is often stressed that existing relationships need to be rock-solid and good communication established before embarking on poly practice
(as opposed to poly theory
). "Relationship broken, add more people." is a recipe for disaster.
To the OP:
I agree with the posters who say that any problems in their relationship really need to be addressed by the people IN that relationship. I also agree with your decision to NOT end the relationship preemptively.
Personally, I would
go to the coffee chat, even if I thought it was likely to do no real good. I think it would be unlikely to do any more harm and many people seem to find that meeting/talking to/getting to know their metamour helps flesh them out as a "real person" and not an amorphous/fantasy threat. Your boyfriend, at least, seems to think that it might help and I tend to view an uncomfortable hour or two as a "small price" for trying to help someone I care about.
Of course, I am also leery of putting (possibly incriminating) words in writing (if they could be used against me or someone I care about - say, in divorce proceedings) so I prefer FTF or phone conversations for sensitive topics (plus the benefit of clearer communication with the addition of non-verbal cues).