My wife flat-out called it poly to my face told me everyone does it these days and that's how it's going to be and I had to accept her desire for this other guy
Sounds like her trying to "whitewash" her poor cheating behavior by painting it in "polyamory colors" and blame shifting it away with the excuse that "everyone does it" -- so she doesn't have to own her poor behavior.
You are correct. Polyamory does not work for everyone.
You are also correct -- Some people go into poly relationships fully aware of the risks, and some people jump in.
Some people cheat and when caught call it polyamory. It isn't. It is cheating.
I told her to her pack-up and be gone when I get back in a very calm and non threatening way. I refuse to be violent with women in any situation.
It is understandable to be angry and resentful at your wife's poor behavior. She broke your trust. I can imagine you will probably go through a whole lot more too as you figure out your next steps and solve problems.