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Old 04-08-2010, 05:38 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I'd like to thank the person who first coined the phrase "hard-wired mono"
Sounds like MonoVPCHG to me. We all love him. If you were reading on here-that would be the one. No idea if it's used elsewhere, I always smile though when I read it when he writes it.

Welcome to the board-hope you can find the answers you seek.

The horror and fear come exclusively from the thought that this lifestyle might touch my own life in some way. I feel a little apologetic saying this somewhere like a polyamory forum, but what I want from my relationship is absolute sexual and romantic exclusivity on my own part and also from my partner, and a commitment for it to stay that way.
Don't apologize for being honest and clear about what you want. That's one of the most important details needed for a good relationship. If only more people could be clear and honest there might be less divorce!

- How does a polyamorous person go about getting a new partner, whilst remaining completely honest and transparent throughout? Could it possibly be the way I described? The subject is brought up generally first to prepare the way, then a person reveals they are polyamorous, then the relationship can develop on the basis of complete honesty? Am I at least justified in suspecting the possibility this might have happened to me, or does it strike anyone that I'm barking up the wrong tree?
It could happen that way. I tend to be flat honest. When I figured out that I was poly-I just told my husband, look I've fucked up, I'm poly, here's what that means. I didn't mean to mislead you-I didn't know that's what I was. I love you, I hope we can work this out-but if we can't, I want to make it as easy as possible for you, so let me know what I can do.
I have him and a bf, don't want another. Not looking to pick anyone up-but I am upfront about "I'm poly, love my husband and my bf and am NOT interested in anyone else."
But some people are more.... "suggestive" in bringing the topic of poly up to see what happens first.

- Doesn't starting a dialogue about the poly lifestyle often result in a "sorry, but I couldn't live that way" ending? Or am I quite unusual?
Yes, quite often. No you aren't unusual. But it's also not unusual for someone who says "I could never live that way" to find out that actually-they could.

- Do mono people sometimes end up in a poly or "V" relationship simply so they won't lose the partner they adore?
Probably-might be a good question to PM to MonoVCPHG, since he's Mono in a poly relationship, or you could PM Maca-he's my husband. Or greengecko-he's my boyfriend, he's mono too......
And there are at least 3 women on one of the jealousy threads on here who are mono whose hubby's are poly....

- If a hitherto mono person spoke to their mono partner about potentially opening up the relationship and got a bad reaction from them, is there any going back? Will that person always have an interest in polyamory from then on, or can things go back to the way they were?
Depends, were they just curious or are they "wired-poly"? I am wired-poly. I tried, I tried HARD to be a "good mono wife". It was a NIGHTMARE. I CAN go without the sex, but without the other emotional relationships, I'm a freaking disaster. With them-I would guess that Maca would say I'm great. But you could ask him.

I don't think that your feelings (or anyone else's) are despicable. What would be despicable is lying about your feelings. Being honest-even if it means you have to end a relationship or change the dynamics of it is not despicable. I had to change the dynamics of my relationship with my bf this week in fact. Because there are details that just will NOT work for me in a primary level relationship, no matter HOW much love there is.

Feel free to post more questions.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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