So have him come too?
So there's no triangulation?
Everyone read poly hell
Maybe it is easier to look at something one line at a time and ask "Any of that happening here for anyone?" rather than ask someone to articulate something they cannot articulate on their own and then they go all "deer in the headlights."
And is it that (him+you) is going too fast or that (him + her) is going untended? Don't pay too much attention to the words -- look for the feeling behind the words. Sometimes people in emotional funk don't articulate well. Just repeat back what you hear to her in your own way and ask for clarification.
"When you say ____, do you mean that _____?"
I don't know if either of those could help.