So yes, I am mono and not interested in anyone but my amazing wife. Trouble is, if you want someone to be amazing, you have to let them be fully who they are...and well, this is who she is. As you know, you are just built the way you are.
And how are you stifling her from being who she is? You seem to love and accept her how she is just fine.
If you tell her you have to bow out because this is not for you, how is this stifling her dream? She can carry on without you.
Your "willing & able" to participate in a polyship shape relationship has nothing to do with her. It is YOUR willing and able.
Whether or not she is currently in a polyship does not define her "polyness." She could be poly-single or poly-celibate. You guys could divorce and she could be in a polyship without you with other people. Her "polyness" remains.
I'm not saying that to upset you -- I am trying to point out that YOU are not looking out for YOU here.
- Because you KNOW you don't want to participate for your own sake.
- You do not like it, and do not enter from a place of "Joyful yes!"
- But you are going to do it anyway for her sake.
That's a good way to ding your own health. And I'm not talking about physical health with the herpes -- I'm talking about mental health with worries you could be free of, and spiritual health when you go against your own grain. It is not you being true to yourself.
And planting seeds of resentment like that --- better a good split and be good friends than continue your relationship with her doing things you don't want to be doing.
- If she doesn't know you feel this way, you are doing lies of omission and that is not loving behavior toward her.
- If she does know you feel this way and is willing for you to do this against your own grain? She's not doing loving behavior toward you.
I'll let others address the herpes thing but I'm worried about you being too self-sacrificing and your wife being too "whee!" with the crushy feelings and y'all heading to disaster because you don't really want to go there and she's going too fast.
In case it helps: