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Old 02-05-2014, 02:20 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I think even couples committed to monogamy would do well to be able to admit they have occasional attractions to others!
My ex-husband and I did that, and many of our friends who were also as steadfastly monogamous as we were. I guess I was just lucky to be part of a large circle of people who spoke openly and honestly about human relationships and knew that an attraction to someone else was not a threat to their relationship. We all had talked freely about how you can check someone out, feel a desire, have thoughts about fucking them, but just don't act on it and bring that turned-on feeling home to your wife or hubby. No one ever considered cheating as an option, but we also knew that people will naturally feel attractions to other people just because we're human and are drawn to others for various reasons. In fact, my husband used to tease me that I was going to run off with a Mexican delivery boy because whenever we ordered food, I would sigh and say, "Oh, he was so-o-ooo cute!"

When most of us in my circle of friends were all still single, we also "recycled" our dates - why not fix up a friend with someone I dated if it seems they would hit it off better than he did with me? There was one guy who dated about six of us women over the years and we all remained friends, and attended his wedding when the last one "stuck." Before I hung out with that crowd, I used to be part of a large network of folks who were into holistic healing and New Age stuff, and they were very open-minded about relationships, too. I met someone in a poly relationship for the first time in that group (1989), but all the rest of us were monogamous in practice and I recall several of the couples that were together did acknowledge having attractions to other people in a very matter-of-fact way. It's actually the avoidance of those feelings that can lead to sexualizing them. Attractions pop up all the time and are a natural part of being a human animal, but it's our ethics, common sense, and intelligence that make it possible to acknowledge them without acting on them, if we would be breaking boundaries, agreements, or commitments by doing so.

I guess that's why I get so defensive when people come here and start talking about monogamy like it's a prison and bashing monogamists for being narrow-minded. Honesty and open-mindedness just always been part of how I, and many people I've known, practiced monogamy. I just see polyamory as an extension of that, for me.

Sorry for the slight tangent, OP.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 02-05-2014 at 02:22 PM.
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