For me, whether I am in a poly lifestyle or a mono lifestyle, one of the important things I have had to deal with in pursuing intimate relationships is my ability to love without the need or desire to possess my lover. Don't you hate the way that feels?? That frantic need to possess?
Granted, many relationships are held together with the glue of co-dependency.
Many are held together by a fear of abandonment
also. And many are held together by one or both partners having a need to possess
their lover. Have you ever experienced any of these things??? Well......I am not interested in these types of relationships for myself any more.
But I have experienced the need to possess before and this need to possess can be subtle or obvious; hidden or extreme.
If we have an idea (conscious or unconscious) that we need to possess our lover…..that we cannot live without them…..that they are the “only one” that can complete us……that we would never find a better match……that we are nothing without them…… then we have become emotionally dependent and may have a more extreme fear of abandonment.
Some of us continue to have these thoughts even though we can see that they don’t make sense any more. I am 52 and I’ve been paying attention. What I see is that the idea of finding a lifelong monogamous partner simply is not a current reality in the majority of cases any more
. I find it amazing that so many people still hold this up as the ideal for themselves. I think this causes a lot of pain and confusion for a lot of people.
Giving myself permission to love more than one person is life affirming and reminds me that I am not dependent on any one person and that I do not have to try to frantically possess my lover or lovers. I prefer the way I feel when I am not worried about losing my lover.
It seems to me that the Polyamorous philosophy is about becoming free of the brainwashing clichés about love that are found all around us……in our music, movies and story tales which I simply cannot buy into any longer…...
....but, I'm willing to re-think it if anyone has a good argument!