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Old 04-08-2010, 04:35 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,509

I cannot and will not give up my marriage, my husband, my best friend, my lover, my childrens father, my life, my everything! He means the world to me and my world would be nothing without him. So I have to learn this new way of thinking. I grew up with the societal expectations and definitions of marriage. Its hard to think any other way. But I'm trying.
I think that it's awesome that you can see the importance of learning. Not just about "poly" just LEARNING. Regardless of how things end up with the girlfriend, if you two go back to being mono or the poly stays-you will be more equipped to be there for other people who experience this, because you took the time to learn. ALSO you will be more able to really connect with your husband EVEN MORE because you are learning about yourself, about him, about "US" (your us) and that's AWESOME!
I think a lot of my negative emotions come from the fact that I sometimes feel like she is trying to take him from me. That the 19 years of ups and downs, good times, bad times and horrible times now mean nothing..................... I hate that she thinks she knows him as well as I do - like the 19 years are insignificant.............. That is what hurts me more than anything. Those are the things I am trying to work through on the way to my goal of compersion. It's been extremely difficult though!
I think Maca struggled with this also. Ironically I have 17 years with GG and only 12 with Maca (Maca is my husband). But the feeling was the same. I felt that he was minimizing the 5 extra years of deep friendship I had shared with GG.
Now that he's opened up to allowing me to REALLY talk to him (Maca) about my relationship with GG, he's learning that there ARE intimacies, secrets, experiences I have with him that I don't share with GG. There are also some with GG that I don't share with Maca. One relationship isn't less because the other expands-they are each fully individual relationships. The special moments I share with one does not in anyway take away the importance to me of the special moments I share with the other.

think it would be one thing if when I meet my husband 18 years ago that he told me he was poly. Because then I would have had the opportunity to make the decision myself if this is something I can learn to understand and accept........... Obviously I have chosen the latter - but it's a process of ups and downs.
Yes-I think even for me (the one who came out poly) it would have been much easier had I known what was "wrong" with me BEFORE we married and could have started out on clear footing. In trying to find myself I hurt him, but I also hurt me AND I also hurt GG. Thankfully we were ALL willing to "stick it out" through hell (been there) and high water (nearly drowned) until we figured out how to make it work (getting there).
All of life is a process of ups and downs. Don't be down on yourself that this detail of your life is as well. It's to be expected.
Until he brought up that the girlfriend wants more of a committment from him. She wants to start meeting his family and friends.
See, more of a commitment I could *maybe* see. At least I can see expressing that she wants it-doesn't mean he does, or that he will, but it's good to express your desires.
As for meeting the family-I have to say-I REALLY strongly feel that until YOU AND SHE have a relationship that is TRULY functional and comfortable AND your husband and her husband do as well AND preferably you and her husband do as well-it would be "jumping the gun" for her to be meeting anyone else in the extended family....

Now-before someone flames me, GG did know my whole family. BUT GG was my best friend BEFORE Maca and I started dating. I didn't go around telling them "hey GG is my boyfriend" until Maca was comfortable with that being known. HE (Maca) told his own dad, he told his brother, but not the rest of his family-one of them works at the local grocery store, I know this-so I don't do anything.... suggestive.... of the depth of my relationship with GG when I go to that store. My family does know now, except my sil. So we're comfortable cuddling on the couch (me between the two of them) if my family is visiting. BUT-I would never invite GG to an extended family get together and NOT invite Maca.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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