Originally Posted by alibabe_muse
. . . tentatively we're on for Sunday but I'm still thinking even if she agrees that I have limits, she can't follow through and I just don't want to be in that situation.
I'd love to hang out etc, but last time he stated clearly to her my boundaries, what I was comfortable with, etc and some where (he read to me what he sent her about my limits and it was not vague, very clear) it got lost in translation or just plain disrespected or testing my limits in person which caused a huge fight on the long icy drive home that annoying night back in Dec. I don't want that to occur again . . . I want my boundaries respected as I respect theirs.
Well. If your boundaries are made clear to her, and she oversteps them, you don't just tolerate and endure it and then get mad at Bassman later. You need to speak up when it happens. And so does Bassman - why doesn't he look out for and defend the agreement he makes with you, in the moment? You could say, "Please stop that. I've asked that you not do that, and it makes me uncomfortable that you've ignored my request. If it happens again, I'm going home." And he can reiterate to her that this is a boundary he wants her to respect. She needs to know you mean business and that Bassman is in solidarity with you about it - when it happens, not a day or a week later.
If the situation is such that you wouldn't be able to actually speak up like that, agree on a secret signal with Bassman to let him know if you are uncomfortable or upset. Then he will know the line's been crossed and can take her aside to tell her to quit it.