I still have trouble calling my ex abusive, however, he did the same thing: "Only you can make yourself feel that way." Meanwhile, he never took responsibility for the behavior which triggered that response time and again.
I would have stayed, too, sadly. It's so very hard to rationalize leaving when it's "not that bad" and you have children. The best thing I did for myself, though, was go to counseling. He was isolating me from my friends and, at her suggestion, I was trying to find ways to get that need met from him. Except he wouldn't ("We never had to talk before, why do we have to talk NOW?!"), and he had finally had enough and initiated the separation.
Long story short, in hindsight, that divorce was the best thing I could have done for myself AND my children. I get to be myself and not denigrated for it. I am now loved by someone who loves me for who I am, and my children get to see that. They get to see me being happy and in my own skin, and I think it's shown them an alternative - that being happy with who you are is valuable, and nobody should take that away from you. And that there are different ways of seeing the world.
I don't know that it ever showed my ex that he was being an asshole. I'm sure he still believes he's right. The entire world was always wrong anyway.
Take care of YOURSELF. It will be a hard road at first, but in the end, being happy in your own skin and appreciated for who you are (rather than appreciated for toeing a line and being someone else that your wife wants you to be) will feel so much better.
Hang in there.
Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 15; and PokéGirl, 12), two cats, one house, many projects.
My partner. Poly.
Chops' other nesting partner, Poly. Also in a relationship with Shaggy
Chops' other other partner (heh). Married, Poly.
Poly, in a relationship with Xena
External mono/poly blog: From Baltic to Boardwalk