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Old 02-03-2014, 09:58 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
I'm feeling really pressured by outsiders to become this poly-like family (is that it) community. I just don't know how to tell our hosts I'm not ready. Yes that's it, just tell them.
This piece resonated with me too.

I'm really not a "big poly family" person, and I really, REALLY felt pressured to be more to my metamour than I wanted to be.

She wanted a BFF/sisterly relationship. P loved the idea of all of us being close and one big happy family. I just felt on the outside, thinking, "But I don't WANT this."

I told M1 that the only way we'd ever *get* closer was to spend one-on-one time together - that the "big family" moments wouldn't do it and I needed to try to get to know her better one-on-one. Problem with that was, she took that to mean "the more time we spend together, the closer we'll get" and that wasn't necessarily the case. I thought it was just opening a door that may or may not lead to us getting closer. The miscommunication led to my feeling like everything we did together was a milestone toward a goal ("are we friends yet?" "Are we friends now?" "Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?"), and it didn't feel natural at all.

After some months into this, I finally had to sit down with the both of them and say that this wasn't working for me. I wasn't sure we'd *ever* be that close. She didn't "click" with me as a BFF, and I've never been able to force a close friendship. I felt pressured into it, and it was really bringing out a lot of negativity in me.

She was disappointed. I think she felt that we were closer than we were because we tend to regularly get together (the three of us) and have discussions about what's working, what's not, and work through a lot of difficult emotions at these talks. But on her end, what seemed to be confiding and opening up was really just the things I needed to talk about at these meetings - more due to the situation, not seeing her as a confidante.

We agreed to let things be what they are. Not BFFs, but more like casual friends who occasionally talk about "the hard stuff" due to the situation we're in together. There is MUCH less pressure now, and I have much less "big poly family" anxiety (except when the holidays roll around, apparently).

Anyway, to not cut a long story short at ALL (sheesh), you may not be up for a "big poly family" situation, period. You may not be up for being that close to your metamour. That's okay. It's okay to be close with them, too. It's not okay to force it, because it won't be genuine.

You will definitely need to talk to Bassman, but you may need to clear the air between you and Wild Orchid as well, as maybe your expectations of each other don't match up.

Hang in there! You're doing a good job taking your own internal temperature here - I made the mistake of saying "Well, let's see how it goes" and then having it backfire badly. Keep prioritizing and taking care of yourself while being compassionate toward the others and you may do a better job than I did.
Dramatis personae:
Me: 46/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 47/M, Partner of 6 years, lives half-time with me, half with Xena.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I've been on a few dates with. Divorced, Mono, wrapping his head around it all.
Xena: 47/F, Chops' other nesting partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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