Over the holiday season LB and PN had an accident in the family car. It was tototalled. They were okay but the car was a write off. We got some insurance money for it and spent the holidays looking for a car. Mono and I were home with LB most of the season as PN didn't get time off work so we were the ones who did all the car hunting and buying.
The experience was bonding for Mono and I as we have never made decisions like that before. PN had a hard time letting go and trusting our judgement so we had to go with an option that I was not entirely satisfied with but was the closest I could get to being satisfied.
It turned out that the car we bought was on it's last legs and over the course of a month the transmission and other things went so the car had to go. PN and I took time off work to buy a new car and also bonded over the experience. A part from getting a car I wanted all along I also had a chance to bond with the two men I call home. We all bonded. Even LB.
In the face of adversity our family connected in ways we hadn't before and are a stronger unit than ever as a result. Our family is stronger for it. My marriage and my partnership with my boyfriend are strong. My marriage has become a marriage of two of us putting our heads together as a team to include everyone we want to include.
This week my ex wife moved back to my city. We've spent a good deal of time together doing every day stuff and family stuff. From sitting falling asleep in front of the tv to attending LB's piano recital we have worked her into our everyday life. It's early days yet but we have plans to spend more time together and I foresee much reconnecting as a result. I'm so pleased. LB gets his auntie J around! It's fulfilled as wish of mine that has been in my head for years.
I have decided to put effort into relationships that I believe will last. My brother, my parents, my in-laws are all part of that plan. Historically, during my years of having four partners, I have not concentrated on these relationships believing them to just be there without effort. Four partners made it impossible to find the time. I know I was missed by many people now. I intend to make up for lost time. As my parents and in-laws get older I can see that it's important to establish a more solid foundation so I know them better and they know me better. Family is everything and I have not believed this so much until this time in my life.
I started looking for a middle school (junior high) for LB. How strange is that?! I think when I started writing on this site he was just starting school! How time flies. He has successfully been raised in a three parents family for many years now and is doing as well as I could possibly hope. He's stable, happy, has a good balance of adult characters to identify with in order to figure out who he is, is respected and educated in many areas of life that he wouldn't be if he were not close to his parents and four grand parents.
What worries me now is a new school. There is a chance that he faces new challenges in the form of acceptance by others. I think my fear is bigger than the threat however and I have kept perspective so far.
I haven't been doing any burlesque for nine monthes now. I didn't think I was missed so I haven't even bothered going to events. This week Mono had a computer client that knew me from the burlesque world. I didn't know her but she knew me enough to notice I hadn't been around. Burlesque has come up several times in the last month and I think about it often.
I don't know where to go with my burlesque thoughts. I have been trying to think of reasons to go back and reasons not to. The whole of it is based on fear for me now and I am hoping to use my skills of removing fear from my life to gain perspective on the pros and cons.
The last show I did I looked out over the audience and saw that I had taken a turn in my life that had lead to a result I wasn't comfortable with and that I didn't want. It had lead to decisions being made by those in my life that I was not comfortable with and looking out off the stage in the direction of my loved ones I suddenly got smacked in the face with it all. Everything changed from that night on. My distractions in life had caused me to go down a path and suddenly the path was clear and unwanted. It's hard to explain that but now that I am on a path that works for me and those in my life I find it hard to figure out if I would be going back for good reasons. Yet I think about it often.
I am tending towards simplifying my life more and more. My days are long and unfilled which means that I am free to make plans as they come up. I am working on my loneliness and boredom by going into my body and mind and reminding myself that everything I need comes from inside, not from outside. I have lots to entertain myself with just on my own. Fear is not my friend and I am not alone. I have not been abandoned.
I am saving money now that I don't do burlesque. Don't think that burlesquers make money by doing what they do. It costs more to get a routine together than the cost to see a show usually. I have time and some money now. All I want to do is make travel plans, and have a good time with family.
Last week Mono and I went to a neighboring big American city just over the boarder. It was a trip for my birthday. My birthday was before Christmas but timing and money before Christmas is tight so it waited. We had such a good time. We went to a British pub and enjoyed that it didn't close at 2am as they do here. We met people, talked, drank, ate and played pool (not so British, they had a pool table) for hours. It was just what we like.
The next day was lots of walking and people watching. It was so relaxing and we were so content. At night we lay in bed from 4pm until morning holding hands, watching shows, ordering Chinese food, and snoozing in each others arms. Sex was off the table due to my period but we made up for it all this week.
always do. A few days away from sex means a week of fucking like rabbits afterwards.
We can't get enough of each other now that our lives have settled and we are content with just us. I'm really not missing a thing so why change it. They say no one can fulfill all your needs but sexually and touch wise I am fulfilled and so is he. What I am not fulfilled in is being reassured and hearing affirmations from Mono but I am noticing that he has begun to start telling me what he thinks and details about his life that he didn't before. It's helped me feel confident that we will be and are okay together. I feel as if I am his confident and that he loves me as a result. I need that to heal and slowly it is coming. Communication is getting better now that fear is put aside. I have paranoid moments often still and likely always will but by addressing it right away and hearing him tell me his thoughts, it will definitely lesson in time. Chosing to divide what is my problem and what is his, trusting him and letting go all helps.