I am sorry you are struggling.
I am glad you have secured a counselor for yourself to give you extra support and help at this difficult time.
I don't know if it could help you, but here's how I see it. I could be wrong, but here's my simple summary:
I need to make decisions in my life that will most likely require the complete overhaul of my life as I know it today.
Ok. This is what it is for you right now. Whatever path you choose, your life will change significantly. Fair enough. It is what it is.
my wife is asking me to remove my OSO from my life. Yes, she is willing to remove her OSO from her life as well.
Fair enough. Your wife is allowed to ask
things of you.
You are free to answer with
- Yes, I am willing to do that.
- No, I am not willing to do that.
Right now? This is a question of participation.
Previous polyship shape has ended.
- Wife is no longer willing to participate in it. She cannot be forced to continue to participate.
- It could continue in a new shape minus wife. New polyship shape TBD with whoever remains on board. Could tap general willingness now, but details of new shape could be done at a later time. So I grey it out.
- Wife is willing to continue to participate in marriage if you leave the polyship as well.
- You do not sound willing to continue to participate in the marriage. Why?
- Wife lied/faked behavior for 3 years. This behavior of hers created emotional distance between you.
- Experience brought to light that you are not actually compatible any more.
- Experience brought to light that there are things missing in your marriage.
- You want to be with your OSO and have no desire to leave polyship
Where is you willingness to continue to participate in polyship?
- You do not seem to want to leave the polyship. You seem to want to be with the OSO.
Where is your willingness to continue to participate in marriage?
- You do not seem to want to continue the marriage.
- This not a "joyous yes!" sounding response to the question of "Do I want to continue to participate in my marriage?" Call it what it is -- a no. You are sad about it, but it stills sounds like "no, not willing to participate."
The OSO leaving the picture does not resolve the things between you and wife like her lying behavior over 3 years. Only she changes that behavior. And there is no mention of the wife being willing to change her behaviors in your post.
So at this time with data to hand? The answer seems to be:
- I want to continue to help provide well for the children. That does not change no matter what.
- I'm sorry you are leaving the polyship. I will not be leaving it.
- I'm sorry you cannot participate in marriage with me if I continue in polyship. Painful as it is, we must disband the marriage. Apart from polyshipping, there are reasons I have for not wanting to continue my participation in the marriage.
- Your behavior for the last 3 years causing emotional distance. You have been less than honest to me for a long time. That hurts.
- We are no longer compatible.
- We have things missing in the marriage.
- You want to be free of "push-pull stuck in the middle"
- wife's behavior the past 3 years has really pushed you emotionally further away.
- this experience has shown you what it would have been like had a chosen a more compatible life partner.
- This experience exposed many of the things that were missing in your life.
Ending the marriage
- solves your need to be free of "in the middle" stuff. You make a decision for yourself and there. No more push-pull.
- frees you from experiencing wife's behaviors that put you off
- frees you to be with the more compatible OSO or seek other partners who are compatible
- frees you to seek and enjoy whatever was missing in your life.
- Ending the marraige does NOT stop you from taking care of the children.
So... that's the way it looks to me. Your emotions need time to settle and catch up. But the path to one possible solution is there.
I do not know if you and wife have listed what it would take/cost to stay together:
- You would have to stop polyshipping with these people. (this is given.)
- Do you have to stop polyshipping completely?
- Is wife willing to change her less than honest behavior and apologized? Are you willing to forgive and give her a chance to make amends?
- Are both willing to work to change compatibility in the marriage?
- Are both willing to work on bringing what is missing into the marriage?
So could spent some time articulating the rest with your counselor. So you can make a final decision with all the path options and their pros/cons laid out properly so you can run down the list and check your (willing & able) against each one and whether or not the path meets your needs.
Then you pick the best path that is the best decision for YOU. But right now you seem to incline toward these to me:
- (ending your participation in the marriage) and (keeping your participation in the polyship)
- (ending your participation in the marriage) and (ending your participation in the polyship.)
Either way, both point to (ending your participation in the marriage). So could deal with one thing at a time there. End the marriage participation first at this time. Process the loss of the previous polyship shape, the loss of the marriage. Sort legalities, give you time to grieve etc while seeing your counselor in the transition time.
If you do not know if your polyship partners want to continue to polyship during a divorcing time? ASK. Something like
"OSO, I am planning a divorce. It will take time, effort and energy. Are you willing to remain in polyship during this transition? Or would you rather disband and then see if we can resume once it is over? I would like to continue through the transition. I need to know where YOUR willingness lies."
Hang in there. Breathe, and take it one thing at a time.