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Old 02-02-2014, 08:57 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 336
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I've been such a drama queen lately and I can't stand it. My most recent trigger...again health issues. Last Saturday morning my left ear drum ruptured. Intense pain, went to Urgent Care, prescribed antibiotics, bought a heating pad and the draining cleared up a bit but not enough to allow me full use of my ear. I've been "off" with my equilibrium, sometimes I'm hearing things amplified, then muffled to just continue. Friday comes and I have 3 pills left. Had an appointment already schedule for my bi-annual std check up so the ear infection is still there and "angry" (why do doctors use that term....I guess I need to see what it looks like to know what "angry" is). So I'm now on a 7 day strong antibiotic. Friday night, felt like it was changing but I'm here on Sunday and it's still muffled. As far as the tear from the rupture, it's tiny so should heal on it's own. I just wish I'd be "healthy" again. Ever since my surgery I've not been me. Is this charma's punishment for not having cancer? Yeah that's a dooms day view but I just don't get what's up with me, physically. Dec 5th surgery, Dec 25th the flu Jan 10th diagnosed with hypothryroidism (just awesome, not), colds that come and go because princess is in daycare and until this weekend hasn't been cough/runny nose free since October, and now this stupid ear thing.

And I realize I need to give myself a break. I mean overall I feel great physically aside from these minor illnesses and with being put on thyroid medicine, my energy is coming back, maybe more than before removal of part of my thyroid but I guess it's also the knowledge after all of this physical stuff, I have started tax season work hours...how does one get healthy if they're working 60-70 hours a week? Yes sleep which I don't get enough of.

Now to me being a drama queen. I actually started feeling compersion, no I always feel compersion when bassman is staying overnight with wild orchid. I get a benefit of me time (not too much since it comes when kids get to sleep, but it's more than i've had in many many years) because I've struggled these last few years before poly on having independence while being married. I still struggle. I love my husband but I hate the concept I'm bound by a license. No I am not saying I want to end my relationship with him, gawd I love him to pieces and still see ourselves old together, laughing at the antics of great grandchildren, but I think on this practical level, the binding of finances, responsibilities makes me feel bogged down (maybe i'm rambling now). I also realize for tax purposes if we weren't married we'd come out ahead and not owe so much money to the IRS. {When two people live together, aren't married, with children, one can file a single and the other as head of household. What this does is give them a higher standard deduction versus married - if they are paying a mortgage etc much better to not be married - and by not being married, guess what? Your income is in a lower tax bracket as it's not combined with your partner/husband/wife/etc. Do you know what DOMA repeal of marriage being between a man and woman did? It allowed the LBGT community think they got an awesome benefit (for medical/death purposes yes it did) but not for taxes. So these couples will now file jointly as a married couple and get screwed by getting kicked into a higher income tax bracket. I digress....

But Monday night bassman sent me a text telling me he'd text me before bed or sooner (remember all i ask is a text he made it there and a text he's coming home the next day). 3 am rolls around and nothing (no i was fast asleep, not waiting for the text, but woke cuz a guy sent me a few texts). I started feeling envy, jealousy, second best...blah blah blah. It's not that I'm in competition with wild orchid at all, but i know he texts her while he's with me, constantly, he texts her goodnights when ever he's with me, he talks with her daily even when with me, so I had enough. Yes NRE blah, blah, blah. The point I have is when they are together, they are together without any interruption from me. I have had to contact him in the morning after his overnight a few times for finance reasons or kid stuff, but not my drama (until this week due to the expectation he set up). I've now asked he no longer contacts me when he's with her aside from the "i made it" text. I like this boundary...but he never respects it. I want bassman's in person time with wild orchid to be about them and not him feeling whatever he feels to contact me. He needs to be focused on her.

Is it wrong I'm bothered by him being in constant contact with her when bassman's with me or suppose to be interacting with our kids? I don't think so but apparently that's controlling behavior so then I'm like "fuck it all, no more boundaries, i don't care anymore, call her/text her all you want when I'm around". I realize he talks to her every morning on the phone, every afternoon after work and even in the evening when I'm right there. It's made me feel like we're broken.

And I only feel broken because he's refused to deal with us when I get home from work. Giving me an excuse he needs to reconnect with me rather than talk, or just avoiding it all together. Then when we do "talk" its never in person but always via text. Really? Like Friday night he had issues with me. I said I was willing to discuss (I was out getting groceries) and instead of in person, it's all via text. Really, again?

And on top of all of this, when I'm having issues, the hunter is having them too. Which doesn't help me, I'm realizing, but actually makes me get bothered by them more. I've discovered or maybe I feel or I know, that I need to put my guard back up. What ever problem i have, sometimes get used to help another with their issues. AND I DON'T LIKE THAT WHEN VERY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE MANIPULATE OTHERS TO GET THEIR WAY in this poly world. I get enough of that from princess, pnutt (our 8 year old son) and beauty (my 16yo). I don't need it from other adults.

Big sigh...whew its nice to get this last week down here. On my end with bassman's relationship with wild orchid...I wanted them to have a 2nd overnight next week since I'm not too deep into the season and it'd be a last opportunity until April 15th. Well the hunter and bassman went out for a few beers Thursday. Bottom line is the hunter is not able to have the love birds see each other more than 1 time a week (he's working a lot too right now). He is also feeling what I am...when he's with wild orchid, she's not engaged with him but texting/talking with bassman. And the hunter has another...but that's not apparently awesomeness. Digressing again...sorry self, it's where your thoughts are wandering to.

I told bassman all I need from him is that when we're together, to be focused on me....like he use to a few months ago, be actively responsive to me and the family. If he can do that, than I don't care how much he's texting,talking while I'm home. And I have to work on my way of showing my love for him. Neither of us have done the love type test thingy but I'm thinking he's definitely "touch" and I'm not sure what I am. I love touches....oh this is it.

Bassman definitely lets me know how much he desires me physically...no doubt about it, but all that makes me feel is our relationship is just sex and that's it. I am jealous of intellectually we don't have much to discuss. I realize jobs, kids, lack of sleep plays a big part of it, but for me to be happy...bassman and muse must not be only about that but more. I want to grow with him and I want him to grow with me. I don't want to be in a rut.

Today I am happy, completely 100% so. Wild orchid and I are texting with each other about potentials for me. I think soon I'll be comfortable to have wild orchid/muse bonding time but not quite yet. Why? I'm hugely intimidated by her mind. As I've said she's awesome, but knowing your metamour is a BEHAVIOR ANALYST sort of spooks me. Is that abnormal? I just don't want my metamour analyzing me, telling bassman her thoughts of me, etc. I don't believe she'd really do that, but it's a fear and until I can overcome this fear, wild orchid/muse time is on the back burner. (and yes the hunter is a part of this forum and i believe wild orchid is too...not sure they read my blog or not and if they do, i don't hold back...THIS IS MY SPACE, MY PLACE TO SHARE FOR MYSELF MY UPS AND DOWNS...and bassman definitely reads this, can cause me some discomfort but if I don't write here...where do I go to do it)?

I think I'm going to take a tiny break and come back to write about my dating experiences. Some ray of light, possibly....

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 02-02-2014 at 09:06 PM.
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