Originally Posted by london
So he already has entanglements with his other partner which makes them a primary relationship and you don't have them so you're secondary and that makes you unhappy. You do realise you can find another partner simultaneously who is available for primary style entanglements?
Most people will only share primary style entanglements with one partner, especially if they are in a vee like you are and not a triad witheveryone romantically and sexually involved. He already has that with her so more than likely is not able to offer that to other partners. He might be. They might be willing to consider another person sharing their home, finances etc, but probably not. This does not mean you don't matter, he doesn't love you as much or anything like that. It just means those shared assets won't be a part of your relationship. But you can absolutely seek them with someone else.
No, it doesn't. I think you need to do less pressuring him to replicate his relationship with her, with you, and find someone available to share the practical entanglements which make a relationship primary. Forcing, manipulating, blackmailing, begging or guilting him into taking steps with you that he doesn't have the resources to manage isn't a very nice thing to do. Take advantage of polyamory by allowing several people to meet your needs and not lumping them all onto one individual.
Here is probably where I should admit my biggest problem with this relationship. J is not comfortable with the idea of C or I having separate relationships. He and C tried that once and he couldn't handle it, but she is fine with him
having another relationship. Again, initially, this wasn't a concern of mine because I, personally, still view myself as loving one person and wanted a relationship with JUST him. Now that we're six months in, I worry about telling him that it's changed for me.
I'm just being a big weenie, huh?
I'm not a very confrontational person, so telling him my concerns at all was difficult. I'm not looking for him to actually give me the resources he and C share because I do know that it's not possible or fair of me to ask.