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Old 04-07-2010, 10:57 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

First off, thanks for posting, its impressive how you are looking through the looking glass simply for the sake of discovery.

And should you be here? Sure why not. I am poly, but wonder why I am still here. I don't have and don't forsee a poly relationship in my future. I am for all intensive purpose monogamous right now. I joined a rock climbing forum to learn about rock climbing...I haven't rock climbed and don't think I will.

Originally Posted by Polyanomaly View Post
I was interested immediately, as I always am in finding out new things I haven't heard of before, but as soon as I did the thing where I imagined myself in the situation, I felt disturbed and agitated.

My problem is now this: I am attempting to explore the reasons why, nearly a year and a half later, I'm still feeling so frightened and disturbed about that conversation. It's as if the last few months haven't happened; I'm just as - yes, I will use the word: *horrified* as I was when I first heard about it.
Maybe "very monogamous" is too simple an answer. I am impressed you want to explore new ideas, but maybe this is a game changer for you. Or maybe it is challenging you in a way you could never have predicted to be challenged

I have searched my feelings on this, and I may have come up with half an answer, at least, which will lead to some questions. So here goes:-

I think what's worrying me is that I feel I may have, without knowing it, been approached by my partner with a view to possibly opening up our relationship. I know him well enough to know that if he had been thinking about this, he would broach the subject in general terms first (for example, passing on news about a friend's new poly relationship) to gauge my reaction. If that was favourable, he would proceed to more specific discussions about the two of us. In this case, if that is what he was doing, he fell at the first hurdle because of how I reacted. Now, I fear I may never find out if that was what he was leading up to.
Don't guess, don't assume...ask might be horrified over nothing. I know you say further down you will speak with him, but why have you been torturing yourself...

- How does a polyamorous person go about getting a new partner, whilst remaining completely honest and transparent throughout? Could it possibly be the way I described? The subject is brought up generally first to prepare the way, then a person reveals they are polyamorous, then the relationship can develop on the basis of complete honesty? Am I at least justified in suspecting the possibility this might have happened to me, or does it strike anyone that I'm barking up the wrong tree?
How does anyone meet anyone? Some people use dating sites, some people don't look, some people hit bars, some people join poly groups, clubs or go golfing.

Personally, I have been "open" since I was 22/23. When I first picked my wife up in a bar (for example) we started flirting and talking...for some reason I openly discussed group sex, her bi sexuality, my newfound kinks. I was trying to shock her into saying no, instead she said yes. Until recently I probably could have been classified a swinger or some variation...who knew I could love 2 people at once. your example, keep in mind, the party involved may not even know they were ever capable of polyamory. So they may well be transparent and honest...and then something changes.

- Doesn't starting a dialogue about the poly lifestyle often result in a "sorry, but I couldn't live that way" ending? Or am I quite unusual?
I can't answer this...I have never had anyone just end a conversation based on a topic. At this point you are speaking strictly dialogue right, not changing the relationship?

- Do mono people sometimes end up in a poly or "V" relationship simply so they won't lose the partner they adore?
Yes, I have read examples of this happening.

- If a hitherto mono person spoke to their mono partner about potentially opening up the relationship and got a bad reaction from them, is there any going back? Will that person always have an interest in polyamory from then on, or can things go back to the way they were?
hmmmm...I can only speak to my experience...I can never be monogamous. It's really that simple. Will I run around humping everyones leg, no. Will I be chomping at the bit for a new gf all the time, no. Will I be open to meeting people and possibly seeing if it goes further. Yes.

I was in a monogamous relationship and miserable...was monogamy the culprit, partially...

This man is my whole world, and I feel as if I couldn't live without him, yet I know for a fact I would end the relationship rather than agree to share him with anyone else. I know how possessive that sounds - even though I have read a few times on here that poly people have been despised for the way they live their lives, I bet there are a few of you guys thinking that my own attitude to my relationship is pretty despicable too. Reading it back, I'm not sure I wouldn't agree, though I can never, ever change my feelings about it.
Nope, not despicable ...
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