I haven't read the whole thread yet-just the first post.
My first thought is this:
It is ok to be Mono OR Poly in any relationship.
I did not ask Maca to adjust to BEING Poly, in fact I didn't ask him to adjust at all.
I simply let him know that I was poly and could not continue pretending to be Mono.
In fact what I asked for from him was acceptance for who I am.
I also offered him the acceptance I have for who he is.
"fair" in my mind is structuring any relationship (of any type) so that both parties may be who they are naturally without having to be something they are not.
That means (I will use RP and Mono as an example because it's so perfect),
That because RP is poly-she has more than one lover.
Because Mono is mono-he has only one lover.
Each of them is free to BE mono/poly without pretending to be something different at the demand of the other.
I think that where it feels unfair is a mono person expects that they can ask for the other person to behave the way they feel most comfortable behaving:
but really none of us have the right to do this to another person.
We DO have the right to choose friends/lovers who have the same ideals as us, but people learn about themselves as they live and so they also change and they may no longer have those same ideals as us as time goes on.
I would NEVER ask someone to have more than one lover-I only ask that they understand that I have more than one lover.
Does this make any sense to anyone but me?
Originally Posted by SimpleSimian
Yeah, I didn't actually think of trying to find a traditional love forum. I had no idea there was even a need for them. So just like a general relationship advice forum? I bet I'd find a lot of poly people there, too, though, trying to help people realise that what they're feeling is ok, and it's perfectly possible and healthy to love more than one person at a time.
I bet the reason is because the mono people are quicker to get fed up and often are the ones who leave, thus getting themselves out of the situation, and not making the poly person change. Just generalising, not saying EVERYONE who is mono is like this. I certainly am not. Hell, I'm so mono, that I'm willing to devote myself to my partner through the most tumultuous inner upheaval I could imagine short of discovering that I should be breathing water and air is slowly killing me. :P
I used to talk a lot on the relationship forum on msn. There was one man in an open marriage but they didn't either one have other lovers and one woman in a poly relationship and everyone on the board hated her...
From this link-click on "family relationships" or "marriage & couplehood links".
You'll find lots of people there with strong opinions that if your spouse wants to have sex with any other person for any reason-divorce them.