Last Night had a great time chatting with Adasan. Was so glad that we are communicating again as I felt it was a bit lacking lately.
Today I am making plans to head up to Cambridge on the 11th to meet up with some lovely ladies, on health and wellness
Also I am going on the 7th with a date next with Adasan, and discussing the 4th meetup, and also plans for valentines day! I think perhaps we're going to take our first full weekend away.
This has been the most healthy and lovely relationships so far, and its been so natural and easy, its not to say we don't disagree on things, its just that Adasan is so relaxed about things, and very secure in himself, as well as incredibly honest, that it's so easy to want him and respect him and desire him. I feel very good and loved in this relationship, and I know that even if we don't make it long term (here's to hoping we do!) that I won't fall into a million pieces, and that I will always want the same level he gives to me -the same level of respect encouragement patience and understanding. Nothing less will do!
We had a bit of a tense moment in texts last night, as we spoke about health and wellness and how I struggle with eating sugar, but I want to really do my best on the paleo lifestyle change. So I told him I had an 80/20 rule, and he really admired my perseverance and also my courage and discipline. He texted me and said,
"I hope you love yourself enough to treat your body with respect and love, not for anyone else but yourself and because YOU want to"
I started crying after I read this because only my aunt has ever shown this level of kindness and tenderness and gentle soft understanding. It was tense for me because it was something I have been working on for many years, my self esteem and making sure I do treat myself with the respect it deserves. Hearing him say that only brought it home, how far I've come that sugar is my biggest fault now, and not emotionally destructive relationships, and not destroying myself either. And by the way I am not doing this change in lifestyle because I dislike my weight or my body, or anything to do with Adasan, although he was a catalyst and is a wealth of information. (I have my own massage therapist and nutritionist all bundled into one person!) It's more that now I have the tools and knowledge about myself to work out what works for me, and a paleo food lifestyle REALLY gels with me. I have less bloating, less fatigue, less craving for starch/sugar. I have lost 2 pounds with out starving or even exercising much more than i already do (Belly dance once a week and walking to and from places, plus a little bit of wii-fit occasionally). So I feel like, I'm finally understanding my own body, and living more health-concious and aware of what works for me in all areas of my life.
So far 2014 is looking very bright for me!
Now onto my reasons for being poly and choosing poly and what steps I'm going to take to make that a reality:
1) I want to love more than one person
2) I want the freedom to express love towards women and men while in a relationship with both, not just serial single, or serial monogamy
3) I have in the past been in love emotionally with more than one person
4)I have in the past been in relationships sexually with more than one who both knew.
5) I feel like its right for me, that I want to, that I am honestly taking away the fear of new and unknown and preconceived societal ideas and saying: What is ok for star? This is. This is right for me.
And the steps I am taking is dating people who are OK with this, and/or introducing and finding out if they are. Right now it's ambiguous with Adasan because he told me early on his body wants polyamory but his heart doesn't. S o maybe he wants FWB/sexual encounters, either way I'm open to letting him do that, and we can safely explore within each other things we were too afraid to admit, talk about before, we strip the fear from each other simply by accepting each other. It's a beautiful thing to behold.
So already started the successfully
The second step is being honest in myself I want this, and have probably wanted this for a VERY long time. And to feel the fear, but not let it dictate my actions associated with it. I sit with the fear feel it, and do what i was going to do anyway.
The third step is to meet real life poly people and get involved in groups who are ok with that
The fourth step is learn better communication skills regarding how much i share as in the past with my insecurities I would "over share" now I am much more cautious on this, and I am learning like some on the web here how to share in certain circles, if they are acquaintances/friends/best friends/family/inner circle etc.
The fifth step was letting go of the guilt associated with being this way and going, I'm ok, if I am poly, i'm still me and I'm still ok!