Good points and questions. Thank you for commenting. Everything proceeding apace here with quite a few changes. The big one is that I introduced J to a woman and they are becoming good friends.
I hooked them up for several reasons. One was that he was feeling a lot of insecurity about A's affection for me. Another was that I felt guilty because I thought we had had some parity on the affection front. Finding out otherwise had thrown me for a loop.
I've met J five or six times now and it always made me uncomfortable. We were becoming masters of the awkward silence. However, introducing him to this other woman made me feel more on an equal footing with him so I invited him out for a drink, just the two of us.
I wanted to talk about my motivations for finding him a date. In fact, that motivation was a desire to see him feeling better about himself so that he would be a better partner for my girlfriend. He was somewhat taken aback when I told him that but then observed that they had been closer since he met the other woman.
I explained my motivation in the simplest terms, that long after I'm gone, he will still be there for her. He wholeheartedly agreed with that and said, "I knew what I was getting into when I married her twenty years ago." So I don't think he's going to 'fade into the night'.
I'm not planning to fade into the night either. At almost five months now, this is the third longest relationship of my life and it is extremely significant to me. Despite that and despite my strong feelings for her, which I've expressed over and over again in this blog, I still don't want her full time. It suits me just fine that she has a husband and a place to go home to.
Another piece of the puzzle is that I may soon have the opportunity to relocate. It's a distinct possibility for the near future. And while I hope she'll come visit me wherever I live, I'm not taking her with me.
I discussed all this with J and I hope that I listened well to him too. The one thing he said that does stand out was, "She's not planning to give you up anytime soon."
I waited until he was good and drunk before I popped the big question I had been waiting all evening to ask. I said, "Now that you understand my motivations, would you be more comfortable with A occasionally, and not on any kind of schedule, spending the night with me again?"
He replied, "I think that will be okay."