On the last email I could bear, she had quit an email exchange with
"I'm not going to answer anything more of this" and disappeared for a
week. After that week she emailed something in the lines "I'm ok, I
miss you, mi life is like this", I couldn't bear it anymore and the
mail I answered was in the form of: "I'm mad, you don't care how I
feel and emotionless responses to her email comments".
No answer after that, after a week I got even madder and just broke
everything. I said farewell and good luck.
After that I contacted her briefly, one merry xmas message and one
happy new year one. I meant both of them, but I what I got back was
poison and hatred.
I haven't spoke or heard from her anything after that.
With L everything is going smooth, she helped me a lot during the
process and bore with my grief for N. We are going to some other
problems but it feels healthy overall. We have spoken about what went
wrong with N and in the future how we are going to handle it, either
if it's her or me the next one with a new relation ship and we have a
more clear set of rules for having sex with others.
There's a lot more to it that I'm leaving out, some more important
than the others and maybe the stuff I want to learn or understand is
missing in the parts I have omitted but this is how I want to put it
I know that I have made many mistakes with this, I know I will keep
doing them. Yes, I still consider the whole thing worth living and I
regret nothing. For now my objective is to do it better the next time.
I'm still in grief for my relationship with N, and writing this is
part of my healing process. L support and understanding is something
new but most of the time I have wandered this path alone and received
more judgment than support. And now I'm in doubt of the support that
did matter most to me the whole time.
This is all of it for now, if anyone cares enough for more details do
not hesitate to ask. And don't worry I'm more prone to be amused than