Originally Posted by SNeacail
Did you call him on this and let him know how it makes you feel?
Yes, I had him come over this morning and we discussed this and many other issues that badly needed sorting out. He said the Buddhist terms he's been throwing around lately do not come from her, but from things he's studied himself in the past.
Originally Posted by opalescent
Ding ding ding! Possible trigger alert!
Could the memories of your ex and how you were treated be a trigger for you? Is something Ginger is doing (or not doing) shunting your mind to those hurt places left by your ex?
Yes, I said this on 1-17: "I think I am a bit triggered, going back to when my ex h and I first opened our marriage in 1999."
So, update. Ginger's date was last night. miss pixi and I had just got done marathoning Breaking Bad (late to the party) and come upstairs around 11 and Ginger had just signed on to chat. He msged me a *kissie face* and I said, I see you're home safe. Good.
I purposely didn't ask how his date went because I have now resolved not to discuss sensitive topics in chat. So, he asked how I was feeling, I told him, better, he was glad, I said we'd just got done with BB yada yada, he told me his stomach was gassy, he thought because of the tea she gave him. Then he started trying to talk about the Celtics game he missed, and the State of the Union, but I was in no mood for chit chat, and told him so.
I said, Please come over tomorrow, we need to talk and work things out. We set on a time and said good night.
Today he came over and I didn't kiss him when he tried... well, he'd just spent the last night kissing a woman with herpes (even though she did not have an active lesion... I was still not feeling like kissing). Then we talked for a good 2-3 hours. I asked him about his date, he told me the details. Sexy time happened but they never did get around to intercourse. So, I told him how I was thinking about going back to condoms with him because of Buddhist.
We determined she has 5 partners she is actively sexual with, including him. And here was the shocker! Those 2 guys she had date with on Monday are NOT brand new first dates from okc, but both men she's been seeing every few weeks for months now! He acted like he knew this already, but he sure didn't tell me yesterday when I was specifically asking him just before his date if she'd had safER sex talks with them! Oy.
He said she'd forgotten he was glucose intolerant and had bought bread for them to share. He seemed concerned about her being absent minded about this and a couple other things. We both agreed she could be poly saturated. I know when I date more than 3 people at once, I tend to forget who I told what story to, who knows what about me, get mixed up.
Then I told him I think he is overly poly saturated because he also has 5 people he is more or less sexually/emotionally intimate with. And he may not FEEL poly saturated, but I do feel less than well tended to, and that is evidence he is.
I told him about my expectations about seeing MORE of him when I moved her, and instead I am seeing him less hours per week.
I pretty much put it all out there. All my complaints about his dating practices, and how they are adding to the plethora of stresses I am already under. I won't bore y'all with details, but it was a good productive talk. A couple times he started to scoff, or interrupt with minutiae or what not and I reminded him about how I would like to use responsive listening in these kinds of talks: I vent, he listens til I am done. He then tells me what he heard me say, and only after I find he has an accurate understanding, is it his turn to talk, when I will then let him have his say and tell him what I heard.
We also discussed how he never sleeps here anymore and how I miss it and he said he'd arrange to do that more often now that his gut is healed. I told him that also helps me feel more secure and taken care of.
I also told him about opal's thread here about communication between neurotypicals and Aspie partners, and that I had been reading websites about it as well. He finally said he appreciated all the work and care I am putting into all this, how some people would just avoid this kind of work.
So, I feel good about this and I hope it helps me finally get some compersion going. I also read some writings Buddhist posted on Fetlife and thought she sounded intelligent and on a similar life quest as I am, sexually adventurous but wanting "sacred sex," emotional connection. She called herself a slut at one point, but in a fun way. I am not sure she has her ETHICAL slut ducks all in a row yet, but I think she's on that path. So maybe she is worthy of my bf.
Meanwhile miss p is seeming to have a relapse of her flu. She worked too hard on moving shit in the basement, and taking care of me, too soon and now she's sick again and has been sleeping almost all day. I still have a slight fever, but managed to walk the dog and do a lot of dishes and take out trash!