Discussion: Who is expected to change in a mono+poly relationship
So I have a question. It's a painful one, and I know it will enrage many people, but remember that while that feeling is valid, it really only comes from the feeling of me threatening your core ideals.
THE BIG QUESTION(S):
Why, in a mono/poly relationship, does the monogamous person have to be the one who changes? Why can't the polyamorous person be the one to confront polyamory within themselves and teach themselves to be happy with the idea of spending their life with only one partner, circular logic included?
Just because I ask this question does not mean I'm supportive of the view, I'm just curious. I haven't seen any literature or any discussion anywhere about poly people learning to be monogamous; solely the converse. I see so much self-help literature and so many guides and instructions and stories about mono people learning to either accept poly and be okay with it, or become poly themselves...but I see nothing describing how to help a poly person become monogamous. Other than, you know, the usual brainwashing crap spread about by religious-right people and other crazies.
Does this stuff exist? Am I just missing it? Also, why does it not seem like anyone who's poly is willing to make the change? Why does it seem like everyone expects the mono people to change or gtfo? Why don't mono people get to feel insulted or attacked or have a support group to come to their rescue?
I just find that kind of unfair that there aren't two balanced sides to this coin. Or at least I can't find the other side.
Please satisfy my curiosity. I'm not trying to start a flame war, and I am, in fact, mono trying to adjust to poly, for the sake of enjoying my future with my intended. I don't actually think it's unfair that I have to change and my intended does not, though the idea does come up when I'm in my lower spots during this paradigm-shift. Instead, I *chose* to make the change, because it's easier for me to learn to at least be happy in a poly relationship, even while still being mono, than it is for my wife to learn to be happy without being free to express her love however she wants to whomever she loves.
Yes, I realise that I answered my own question, but I still want the community's views and ideas.
Last edited by SimpleSimian; 04-07-2010 at 08:38 PM.