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Old 04-07-2010, 07:08 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I also suggest having a look at "the five love languages" if you haven't already because you haven't mentioned once how GG might need to be loved in all this. After all, he needs love too and it might just be that you are different.
Interesting detail to note-GG and I actually have the same primary love language, time... which is ONE reason why it hurt SO MUCH that after telling me he would be here for me through this-he started making plans to not be here. His reasoning (and he said it to me, Maca and my sister) was that Maca was here, so that makes it like he's not needed.
He seemed to miss this technicality-Maca being here for me makes me feel like Maca loves me..... Maca being here does not impact whether or not I feel that GG loves me.
GG being here or not being here is what impacts how loved I feel by GG.....
Even my sister (whose also known and been involved as a close friend with GG for 17 years unlike Maca) was astonished because like I said-it's OBVIOUS that GG's love language is TIME, just like mine.

As I said in my other post-when I'm well and not having issues, I can usually accept love well regardless of the method of delivery, acts of service (totally my sisters also), time, physical touch, gifts, words.. it doesn't matter. But when I'm not well, when I'm not able to take care of myself, then I revert to really needing that love expressed in my love language-and that is time.

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What you value LR and Maca and what he values might be different.
Quite often what Maca and GG value differs. For that matter quite often what Maca and I value differ. Only in a few very specific areas does what I value and what GG values differ. Seriously. Enough so that often outside people have said we could be twins. We look nothing alike mind you.
Remember, that GG was very much still a kid when we became close and many of his "values" were decided based upon his experiences watching and living side by side with me and my sister. Especially in regards to raising kids, family responsibilities, relationships.

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I don't think that the "punishement (because it sure sounds kinda like one)" of "you don't get to be primary" because you aren't doing it "my" way is not necessarily fair. The thing that sticks out for me is that he might not want that kind of primary role and that needs to be worked out.
It's not a punishment RP. It's an actions speak louder than words thing. He's obviously NOT ready for the responsibilities that even he would want given him in a primary relationship. He couldn't identify them off the top of his head, but when it was stated as, "if you .... what would you want your SO to do..." method, he could and did identify the same things.

As he said, if I were hanging from a cliff and even his best friend (who by the way I DO think is an AWESOME guy and have NO issues with) were also-he would pull me up AND his best friend would expect him to also.
IF he were hanging from that cliff and my "best friend" was also-GG would want to believe that I would pull him up first too.
Emotionally, physically I AM hanging from a cliff, and his other best friend is NOT, it's JUST ME, but instead of actually pulling me up, he responded with "maca's there, he can..."

On the MSN front page there was an article yesterday about a 2 year old falling in the East River in NY. The father jumped in to save her-we can all see the emotion that would drive that yes? So did a French Tourist. No thought, no pause, just went in after her....he didn't say (and apparently didn't think) "well that other guy jumped in, so I can go get that cab now and head home".

THAT is my issue. GG keeps making things (this is only one there are others) about "well if Maca can do it for her then I'm not needed."
The relationships are separate. We DO have a relationship as three, but we also each have our OWN relationships to "upkeep".

GG needs to think about OUR relationship to decide what he should do for/with me, not my relationship with Maca.

By his behavior thus far (which is very mono in nature actually, not to be mistaken for Mono, I mean, mono) if Maca gives me a Valentine's Day card or a birthday card, he doesn't need to, because Maca took care of it....

WELLLLLL if that's the way it's going to be..... then if Maca makes love to me why would I need to make love to GG? If Maca says i love you then I don't need GG to say he loves me?
If Maca tells me he thinks I'm beautiful then GG doesn't need to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful?

Each relationship has it's OWN responsibilities and just because Maca is being responsible in his (FINALLY) that doesn't mean GG doesn't have to be responsible in HIS relationship.

Quote:
I hear what you are saying LR. You are fed up. Completely, but listen to who ever it was who said to not decide anything now.
I'm not deciding anything permanent-well really-I almost NEVER do. I decided to step back and give GG the freedom of a secondary. The freedom to go do what he needs to do, not ask him to be the one I depend on right now, when I NEED someone dependable. Freedom to go do whatever it is he needs to do, grow, learn, make choices.

I'm not kicking him out, I'm not "breaking up", I'm not ending our relationship. Just backing off.
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