Thank you for this well thought response, Kevin! This thread is a few months old but big things like this one do not go away in such a short time - so no worry about necroposting.
Where I am at with this issue at this moment… Well, I am on birth control and have no plans to get off anytime soon. Actually, some big changes need to happen before I can even consider it. My feelings have not changed, it is still a huge “Hell, no!!” if I think of the whole issue of having a child. So NO be it. Not for me, not now, maybe not ever.
It was a huge relief to let go of the thought. To free myself of the “should”... I thought that I’d make my guys happy by agreeing to get pregnant, but then I realized that if I do it against my own willingness, no one is going to be happy. And this is where we are at now.
I have tried to get to the roots of my feelings. Why is it that I do not want to have kids? When I try to make some sense to that feeling using logic as my tool, I end up with some pretty disturbing thought patterns. So it might be best to not even try to understand the *why* and just accept the emotions as they are. Anyway, that kind of approach makes me feel better
There is this one incident from my past that has come to my mind when thinking of this. It was at the time me and CJ were getting married. We did not tell almost anyone about the plan, just went quietly to the local registry office. A few days before the wedding one of my co-workers came to me and said: You look so happy and glowing, I have to ask, are you pregnant? To answer, I told her no, I am not pregnant but I am getting married in a few days and feeling happy. This comment puzzled me at that time, and it kind of still does. My first thought then was that I’d be devastated instead of happy if I was pregnant, why would she draw that kind of conclusions about my happy looks? Anyway, I definitely had a strong warm and fuzzy feeling about the marriage. Now, if I ever end up having a child (or children) THAT is the type of feeling I should have when thinking of getting pregnant - apparently other women do feel warm fuzzies about having babies?
I am not there at the moment, not anywhere near to that.