It was a dark and stormy day. Saturday was the best and worst of days. It started off with lack of sleep, combined with my electric going out in the house, my kids(ShootingStar and Rosebud) had colds, my Aunt (Honour), who was watching kids, was also sick. Also there was just a general sense of both Honour and myself being at the end of our ropes.
When the rain let up midday, in a freak warm bright spell, lasting about an hour, I took ShootingStar and Rosebud out on a walk in the woods with their wellies. I figured a romp in the woods never did me harm, and would do a lot more good than sitting around in the festering malaise of the house with nothing to do, and no heat/electric.
I pulled up the poly forums while out and perched myself on a bench basking in the rare watery sunlight. I let the kids roam within shouting distance, and pondered what the evening would be like, if I'd even be up to going out at all. At the moment I was feeling pretty dreary. I knew I'd have to deal with the electric problem when I returned home, but for this one hour I was going to live in the present and simply enjoy being. So I read Fuchka's blog, which is rather addictive, and struck a deep cord in me with relating to men.
I have never been short of men admirers, and my last real relationships, although short, were with two men: Rogue and Freeman. I am not a classical beauty, I am of medium height, with mousy coloured hair, and a curvy average build,of a pear shaped nature. But for some reason, I attract men like bears to honey. I am confident and comfortable in my own skin, and perhaps this is why. It will take another post on attraction and what attracts people versus the beliefs we are lead to believe as women in the world, but I digress. Lets get back to the men I was speaking about!
Rogue is and was a friend with benefits, we used to occasionally hook up, he is deeply troubled and a dark horse in my life. Honour does not approve of his influence on me, because of his negative characteristics in him, although he is essentially at the heart of him a deep and caring man, he is internally conflicted with self loathing. I pondered in the woods what he was up to. We met in 2012, and have been on again off again ever since. We always pick up where we left off, and he is my muse. Many of my best art pieces have been about him, and will continue to be because I find his internal conflict very appealing to paint and draw, and something many people can relate to, the struggle of our natural self and who we want to be.
Freeman is a man in transition. We also met at the same time and place as Rogue. Where Rogue is broody, musical, quiet and intense... Freeman is Gregarious, loud, self-deprecating, science computer lover, going through a nasty divorce. I involved myself with him out of a need to help him heal something broken in himself. Like an injured bird in a park I wanted to help him see that not all women are like the one he's lived with for many years. I was not attracted to Freeman the way I was Rogue, and they knew that I was interested in both of them, so they both wined and dined me, and we all hung out together a bit, playing board games, or talking about goals and making jokes together, having a drink.
Both were sweet and giving in their own ways, both showed me that it takes more than lust, or even common ground, to make a relationship work. The relationships with both of them and involved with me lasted around a year, on and off, with both coming around my house when kids were not around, and me going to theirs other times.
As I said, I have never wanted for male admirers, but being admired and caring about them in return is a completely different thing. Which is why I was pondering on these things yesterday. I fell hard and strong for Rogue, I knew he was like forbidden fruit, that no good would come of the relationship long term, yet I was drawn to him again and again. My poetry came alive, I finished a book of poetry in the space of 2 months. My artwork kicked into high gear, I finished 8 pieces while courting him. He was my muse, and the addiction was strong for me. We have an easiness he and I, that allows us to just be around each other. Combined with his darkly good looks, intelligence and hilarious sense of humour, I was very much smitten. But like getting addicted to drugs, I pulled away from him this last year, because I could not cope with his self-harming. It was a deal breaker for me, so we stopped being a relationship and stay friends, platonic now, even though my pheromones still kick in high gear whenever I think of him.
Freeman and I slept together during that time too, he was different, in that he was able to give of himself, his time, money, energy completely and wholly without any hangups that Rogue had. I appreciated him for who he was, but my pheromones simply didn't engage with him, and during love making, the opposite happened to what I wanted. What I thought would happen leading up to that point was very wrong! I became turned OFF. It was a bizarre moment for me because up until that point I was very much keen to try things. Maybe like JaneQ has written about elsewhere I confused my need to connect and be close and to help him, maternal-like instincts, with sexualization. Even though the sex was nothing to write home about for me, it was life changing for him, which only made me feel worse! He told me afterwards that he loved me, and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Thinking it was a one off , and just bad first sex experience, I left the issue alone for a week and came back to, accepted his offer and we started dating, all the while he knew I was still seeing Rogue, everything had been laid out there. It was a consensual open relationship. Both men wanted me, they were willing to share me. The hanging out between all of us became awkward, and stalled to a stop because the communication between them were just two males who vaguely knew each other from a similar social setting, but ran in different circles.
I could sense how much it hurt both of them if I went off with one or the other alone. I did my best to balance out time with them, time with family, and time with art, but in the end, it was not time that stopped the relationship between all, but simply the fact that I did not love Freeman, and I could not have a healthy relationship with Rogue because of boundary and safety issues regarding my children. They would have crossed over accidently or purposely at some point because of how much I was and still am in love with him. I can put those feelings now in a place in my heart, feel them, live with them, examine them, and then choose not to act on them. I needed space from Rogue, and I told him this. I told Freeman that he deserved a woman who would love him as much as he loved me and kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for the beautiful time we had. Rogue still occasionally contacts me, and we go out for drinks as friends, but it's hard for me to separate the feelings I still feel for him, and maintain appropriate distance. I'm really an all-or-nothing kinda gal.
I had mixed feelings about this relationship, so I am working on sorting through them, and what it means for me in the future and the shape of my future relationships. Everything is a learning experience right?
This was a great turning point for me because I realised I could speak my mind and feelings and I am a bit of a late bloomer in communication this way.
I probably could have salvaged the relationship with Rogue if I had been able to communicate appropriate boundaries, but I also decided after both of those relationships that I was worth healthy relationships, and that I was attracting these people because I didn't believe at some level I was worthy of a healthy man/woman/whomever.
This is where Adasan comes in. A year of being single roughly, just casual dating with women mostly, these did not go beyond a second date or first date in most cases. Then I meet Adasan on POF.com. We start with questions, he starts calling me Curious Star. A banter is formed, intellectual zingers whip back and forth between our fingertips, and I am so starved for intellectual conversation with a man, from a man's point of view since Rogue that I am ecstatic to talk to him.
I pondered all this while the girls played. The girls and I went back home, I made them dinner, I fixed the electric problem after many insistent urgent, and then down right angry calls to my energy supplier. The rain had come back, including thunder and lightening and the dark was looming and I was stressed more than I have been in some time.
However, I sorted it, and handled it, and everything including my celiac /paleo dinner was sorted for the date before I went out with Adasan to the hotel we had got together.