I have never been in your position. I've never married and don't have children. However, I notice that your husband, W, and his friend from work, M, began to develop their friendship and keep in very close contact during October of last year. This would be when you were pregnant, yes?
I have been reading this message board for a number of years now and situations where a pregnant wife is suddenly faced with her husband's desire to be poly are not uncommon. It crops up fairly regularly. Sometimes the husband has girlfriend he is sexual with, sometimes it's just the desire to be poly. In your case, there is the emotional stuff between your husband and his workmate and a sudden announcement of his positivity about poly (something that he hadn't thought to mention any time before in the 5 years you've been seeing each other??)
I'd guess that for a lot of men, the reality of a baby is hard to deal with and they seek escape. I don't see it as great behaviour to exhibit but it seems to happen. Maybe if you do a search on these boards on pregnancy it'll throw up some of the other similar threads.
Originally Posted by Audball
Then on Jan 2nd M told him about seeing another man and kissing him... this caused my husband to have an emotional breakdown. I watched as my husband completely fell apart... I was difficult and something I never care to witness again.
All of the timing of this revelation aside, I'd be a little bit concerned about seeing this sort of behaviour in your husband. So - he has a friend at work. They've become close, shared feelings etc. They spend lots of time together and it has become a strong friendship.
The friend kisses somebody else and your husband falls apart? Really?
Whatever your husband may have said, there is more to polyamory than just having feelings for more than one person. I'd guess that most of us can do that. The trick to it is managing to juggle more than one relationship. Coping with things like our loves kissing and having sex with other people. That's the reality of choosing a poly lifestyle and it sounds as if that might be incredibly difficult for your husband. And so incredibly difficult for you - you've been picking up the pieces following a new year kiss. It's not a situation I would be keen to enter into.
Even though he's very reassuring that it has absolutely nothing to do with me, nothing missing from me, and it's not, nor will it ever, take away from what we have, it's hard for me not to think that there isn't issues with me or us. After all, when I researched emotional affairs, that is pretty much all they say... that there is something missing from your marriage, or some underlying issue that caused him to seek someone else. It's confusing.
I've read similar stories often enough to believe your husband that it's nothing to do with you. I'd guess that it's to do with the pregnancy. Your marriage and relationship is changing and even though it's changing by choice, some people struggle to deal with those changes. Sounds like your husband is one of them.
I think it is a real shame that he chose deal with that by developing a friendship while deceiving you about the nature of it. Worse that he continues to talk to you about poly and the positives in it and continues to seek your support for getting over the loss of his friendship.
I think that he has a lot of making up to do and I hope that he spends the rest of the pregnancy and the early months with your new baby doing just that.
He's lucky that you haven't left him and that you are being understanding. I'm not sure I would be so kind in your shoes.