Indrocuing myself and looking for incite
I've been replying in my husbands introduction tread, but I decided I should also make my own introduction!
My husband, W, was calling me A, so I'll stick with that. I'm 35, he's 34. We've been friends since high school, nearly 20 years now. 5 years ago we got back in touch with each other after a few years of not talking. We quickly started dating. Over the years when we did get back in touch, he had let it slip that he crushed on me in hs. This time I admitted I also crushed on him, and since we were both unattached, it worked out. We've been married for a little over 2 years now. Our first child, a son, is due in 4 weeks! We are excited about becoming parents, as it was a struggle to even get to this point!
I am a monogamous person, pretty cut and dry. The thought of being able to fall for anyone else makes me think I'd be cheating on my husband. My husband has been involved in a polyamorus relationship in his past, so he understands the dynamic and sees a lot of positivity in a true poly relationship.
4 years ago, W started working a job in surveillance. There are 4 people on the shift, and they work in very close proximity, pretty much trapped in a small room together 40 hours a week. For the last, probably 2 years or so, the shift has been made up of my husband, 1 other man and 2 women. In the beginning, he would talk of both of the women without much interest, mostly showing contempt in a lot of their actions. Both like to gossip and have more of a high school mentality, rather than acting like adults. They have paired together and tried to get him in trouble at work. So I never dreamed that anything more could happen.
It was around October of last year that I started noticing a lot of communication (mostly text messaging) between my husband and one of his female co-workers, M. I asked him what was up, and at that time he said they were just talking about work. It kind of made sense to me at the time because there were a lot of changes being made and things going on. Most of the employees were not happy about it. But when the communication became more and more frequent, I started questioning it being just work that they were talking about. I again questioned my husband, and even went behind his back and contacted M (which was wrong of me). Both said it was all work related... I also questioned my husband as to why he was spending so much time communicating with someone who had stabbed him in the back. He said they had had a meeting, she had apologized and realized it had been a mistake to try to get him in trouble. They were becoming friends.
Fast forward to the end of December. This was actually when I contacted M myself, I believe it was the 30th. The next day is when my husband admitted he had more than just friendship feelings for M. Over the next few days he began to open up more about his past and his feelings for M. He told me about his polyamorus relationship in which he was the bf to a wife and the husband also had a gf. He tried to explain the dynamic of it, but it was difficult for me to really grasp the concept.
Then on Jan 2nd M told him about seeing another man and kissing him... this caused my husband to have an emotional breakdown. I watched as my husband completely fell apart... I was difficult and something I never care to witness again. He let it all out that night, told me everything, and that his feelings for M had been much deeper than either of us had though. He wasn't "in love" but his feelings are very strong.
I was heartbroken, but at the time, I was more focused on getting him through his breakdown. He is now working to end his friendship and feelings for M.
It's a daily struggle for both of us. I struggle with feelings of betrayal, not being able to fully grasp the idea that he could have feelings for another woman. I feel guilty and like I am making him end a friendship with someone who fills a void in him that I cannot.
Even though he's very reassuring that it has absolutely nothing to do with me, nothing missing from me, and it's not, nor will it ever, take away from what we have, it's hard for me not to think that there isn't issues with me or us. After all, when I researched emotional affairs, that is pretty much all they say... that there is something missing from your marriage, or some underlying issue that caused him to seek someone else. It's confusing.
And that is why I am here. To try to learn from others experiences. To find a more positive view point, that doesn't say my only options are divorce or "just deal with it". And if I'm lucky, maybe find someone who has been in a similar situation with some incite. At this point, W is in no way trying to get me to change my viewpoint or feelings toward what has happened, nor is he trying to get me to accept a poly relationship. Our goal at the moment is to help process what has happened, move forward, and to try to better understand each other.
In some ways, I'm almost glad this happened. He's opened up so much more to me, and I to him, as well. We're dealing with more than just this situation, but also some issues from our pasts. We seem to argue less (except when I revert and then we sometimes get a little heated talking about this situation) and it truly feels like our connection is becoming stronger. But I still struggle to understand why, or how, this could happen. I struggle with my emotions. I struggle to keep images of the two of them together out of my head (even though they've not shared more than a hug). But every day seems to get a little bit better.
I welcome any incite anyone may have... comments from anyone who has dealt with or is still struggling with a situation such as this would be very much appreciated. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with a poly relationship, but I would, at the very least, like to learn more and open my mind a little more to the ideas, so that I can better understand how my husbands mind works.