The thing is, I haven't actually tried, so this could just be a horrifying fearful preconception, and there could really be nothing wrong, and everything could be okay. Should I give that a go before trying to lobotomize myself? Should I wait and just tough it out until a sexual romantic relationship forms, and then see if I'm actually okay with it?
So, to wrap this up, I have a core piece of my psyche, to which everything else is linked, that I need to lobotomize and replace with a similar, compatible component. The problem is, I have no idea what connections go where, and I have no map or list of the connections, so once I disconnect these connections, and make the replacement, I will have no idea how to reconnect any of it.
I will need lots of help, lots of support, and lots of love, trust, outside hope, reassurance, and near-infinite patience. I know I can ask my wife for that, and I know she will try to give it to me, but I don't know if I can do that without dragging her so far down as to make her beyond miserable. I am very sad at that notion. I need people to help support me while I lobotomize myself. I don't care how much work it will take from me, and I don't care how much of anything it will take, even time. I WILL DO IT. Because I love her. More than life itself.
And it pains me to know that while I've been telling her that the whole time, through my physical affection, AND with my words, that she might not truly believe it, understand it, grok it into the core of her being so she can use that knowledge to give her hope and energy in the darkest times. I really hope she knows, in her soul, the extent of my love for her. Because I need her to be okay with me making this change, and I need her to stay with me through the whole thing, otherwise, I could mess up in the middle or get stuck, and who knows where I'll be then? In a really bad place, that's for sure. I'll be in a place with less than a whole functioning brain, and who knows what else to deal with. Scary.
I really hope it doesn't take five years.
I really hope five years is enough time.
God, I feel so sick to my stomach over this. And the funny part is, until we had a fight over what I posted here on the forums prior to this post, I was fine. I could honestly even envision my wife and her new partner doing things that would make most people blush (surprisingly, imagining it actually kind of turns me on), and it didn't shake me one bit. And I feel better because our conflict has been resolved, and because I'm expressing myself clearly here, and because I intend to make change in my life. Psychologically, I feel pretty good about this. I don't know why I feel so sick to my stomach.
Last edited by SimpleSimian; 04-07-2010 at 06:05 PM.