I think one of the things that got to me the most in the beginning is that they do stuff now that my husband and I use to do but kind of fell out of practice.
I use to play around and call him "sir" and things like that. But he said he didn't like that so I stopped. I use to wear cute thongs and garters under my clothes. But as time went by I stopped doing it because it became such a hassle for me. He use to call me his Angel and that eventually stopped over the years as well.
Then J comes along and she is his Kitten. She wears the cute clothes now and he loves when she calls him sir. And I feel now if I start doing those things again I come across as a copycat or desparate to take away from her.
I have noticed he has started calling me Angel again and I really love the effort he puts into making me feel special by doing that.
Dag- it is easy to feel the way you do. We have all been there. I know for me it came down to the fact that I have a baby with this man. That is something that has brought an even stronger connection than just being in love. We have a bond that cannot be broken. I have been with him since high school so that makes about 15 years now. We have seen each other through times that would have torn most couples apart before this. We have seen so much. I have seen him cry at movies and held his hand while his mother went through surgery and then more surgeries.
He has held me while I watched my own parents marriage fall apart. He has sided with me in arguments with other people when he knows I have been in the wrong. He rushed to my side if I was sick during pregnancy and supported me when I wanted to change jobs.
We are best friends in the deepest sense of the word. That is how this is more than him just running around getting laid. It is so much deeper than that because I know him better than anyone else out there. I know when it comes to his happiness i am willing to sacrifice a little and work around something that is important to him. He comes home to me, not her. He goes and spends a few hours with her and I get the benefit of him coming home and showing me his smile. And that smile isn't because he has had sex with his girlfriend. It is because our bond has been strengthened because we are being open and honest in a way that most couple crave desparately.
If I met someone else I know he would want my same happiness. He would go through the same pain and anguish. But he would not stand in my way. I am not saying this is what I want. But I know he respects my needs and in return I show the same respect.
When he comes home from being with her he talks to me. We haven't really talked in years. But we do now. We talk about his night with her and how he feels towards her verses me. He repeats every time that he loves me more and that that will never change. He loves her in a different way than he could ever love me. I am not afraid of loosing him as much anymore. I still have the fears of not being enough and wishing there was more I can do. But it is a one day at a time process. And it is something you have to sit down and talk to him about. And as much as you don't want to, you need to talk to her as well. J and I have come this far because I talk to her and make her talk to me. The imagination can be very deadly in these circumstances. Truth is the only way to get through it.
I hope this helps some. Good Luck.