Problem is, I can't convince myself that I'm not just blowing things out of proportion
That's ok to be. This stuff is ok to think/feel at this time.
You could remind self that you are not an objective observer either. You are IN it. Could remind yourself you don't have to convince you instantly. It is a PROCESS. You are IN a process. But please keep seeking a professional to help you sort and support you in your process.
I can understand not wanting to be "too close" -- which is why I suggested to try military channels first, or if you prefer, seek civilian assistance.
In case it helps you, one description the grief process.
You might jiggle up and down there.
Stage 1 is "shock denial" -- like "I can't believe this is happening to me!" "Is this really happening to me?" type thoughts and feelings to match.
So your response is appropriate sounding to me for where you are in your process. You are beginning to consider this could
be abuse on your hands.
Could keep gathering information quietly for yourself, give yourself time, etc. You seem to be doing that and trying to take appropriate care of yourself -- so good for you!
That's good that you are keeping it clean with the Special Friend -- and keeping it ultra slow and in the friend zone for now seems sensible. Have an old-fashioned "Understanding" if you both like, but sort out your old business before starting new. People sometimes get really weird -- don't put her in the line of fire if your wife decides to go wacky or use it against you in divorce process or something else I cannot even imagine down the line. I can guess it is probably weird to think that way... but you are in a weird position! Think all the weird you need to think. Be ok with that. While keeping you and others safe
as you plan your course of action.
Getting back to anything close to "my normal life" is going to be a whole process and series of events over a period of time.
It is not just a single event, one moment of time.
You can do this. Hang in there.