Well, now I'm here, too. This is "A", and I am here to not only tell my side of things, but to also hopefully find some support in moving forward in my journey to figure out how this situation will work itself out for us.
A little info and background on me... or maybe a lot, I tend to ramble. I am 35 and W and I have been married for a little over 2 years, together nearly 5 years, but have been friends for almost 20 years. To add a little more complication to this whole thing, I am about to give birth to our first child.
I, honestly, had no idea that this situation could happen to me. It never entered my mind that my husband could fall for anyone else, and if he did, never thought it could not take away from what we have together, which to me, honestly, is still up in the air. I am struggling to understand this notion. It isn't really that I was raised in a traditional household. My mom was single until I was 14. She married my step dad 18 years ago. But even though I was raised by a single mom, I still grew up to expect the "happily ever after" monogamous relationship. I'm still a little shell shocked to find my dreams dashed, so to speak.
I had a little more figured out than either W or M gave me credit for, or maybe before they really realized it themselves. I questioned things a few times to W over the last few months, and once I actually contacted M, but was just given general "its about work" answers by the both of them. Contacting M really upset my husband, but at the time, I felt like it was my only option to maybe get some answers.
Slowly W started sharing more with me. Then the whole New Years Day thing happened. He came home from work that night, I was in bed, and began texting me and calling me. He was too upset to move from the living room to the bedroom to get me. I get up to find him in an emotional state that I never care to witness again. He spilled everything that night. Although he had told me a couple of days prior that he did have feelings for M, it was at that time that I was told the true depth of these feelings.
Of course, I was shocked. But at that time I was more focused on helping him through his pain to be focused on my own pain. The last thing I wanted to do at that time, was make him feel worse.
There are a few reasons, other than the obvious monogamous mind, that I have a huge problem with this whole situation. Over the last few years that he and M have worked together, she has completely screwed him over at work more than once, one time going as far as telling his boss that she and another female co-worker had been threatened and didn't feel safe around him. So, when this whole thing started, I was very confused as to why he spent all day texting someone who had royally screwed him over so many times. He never told me they had talked things out and rebuilt trust between the two of them until we got to the "revel stage". I still do not trust her.
Secondly, I have this huge issue with a woman going through a divorce because she has been cheated on, trying to seduce a married man. Because that's what I feel she is doing.
Third, she's tearing him apart emotionally. As much as I despise the fact that the feelings are there at all, I hate even more that she seems to be stringing him along, and that he keeps falling for it. In some ways, I feel like I'm more of a platonic friend trying to help him through a bad break up. lol
I've been in a situation where I was being torn up emotionally, and the man I was with seemed to get some kind of twisted satisfaction that he had that kind of control over me. I dubbed him an emotional sadist. I let him string me along for 2 years and completely rip me to pieces. I do NOT want to watch this happen to the man I love, and I feel like I am helplessly witnessing this, again. It isn't fun.
W is very correct in saying there are days when I seem to revert all the way back to the beginning and have to reanalyze everything that has happened. Those days are very hard for both of us. This is probably a once a week occurrence now, but at first it was probably daily. It's a lot to wrap my mind around. I teeter between being ok, being extremely angry, or being a complete emotional wreck and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. (I imagine this may be a little less crazy if I wasn't very, very pregnant).
I hate being on an emotional roller coaster. I hate dragging W along for the ride. I know that me being in pain hurts him, as well, but I still have a lot to process where this is concerned. It's still very confusing to me, and at times, I still feel like his feelings for her somehow take away from what we have. Sometimes I feel like there must be something missing in me, and that's why he feels she is a necessity in his life. And part of me resents the fact that I'm on the outside of all of this. It wasn't something that was discussed and consented beforehand, it just happened and I got stuck in the middle of all of this. He continues to reassure me that it actually has nothing to do with me. I am trying to let that sink in to a point where I can believe it more than doubt it...
But on the other hand, this seems to be bringing the two of us closer together, and he has been more open and honest with me these last few weeks than he has our entire relationship. I just hate the fact that it took him falling for someone else to get us to this point. I am doing my best to learn to accept this, but it's difficult for me. Bah... I feel like I go around and around and around... and that's about it. LOL
Last edited by Audball; 01-25-2014 at 05:09 AM.