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Old 01-24-2014, 11:05 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: East Bay California
Posts: 134

Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
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I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy
Oh, boy, do I relate! My husband and I have been having this battle for a year. My current arrangement with my husband is DADT. If someone comes along in my life for whom I grow strong feelings for, I am to tell him "There's someone I want to spend more time with," and we'll work out some guidelines. If it's another woman, he thinks he'll be able to handle it. If it's a man, he says he can't promise he won't freak. Either way, I'm supposed to be discreet in public (small town,) people I are date are not to come around me when he's around (he works a lot so its doable,) and he doesn't want to know who they are, they aren't to interfere in his life in any way.

I have told him that I feel he's setting me up to fail. A casual fling or friends-with-benefits can survive those rules, but how can I expect a loving relationship with someone I have to keep a secret? Of course, my husband wants me to happy, but on the other hand, he doesn't REALLY want me to get serious about anyone else.
It's pretty easy, he wants to monopolize you. I know that's how I feel about my own wife. It's really not easy to go from the assumption that your life is monopolized to one where it isn't.

I'm not judging here, and don't wish to be judged either. Our culture and upbringing assumes monopolization as the norm.

So I understand your dilemma. Do you leave this person you love over this one thing? Whose to say you'll be happier dating whoever you want once the person you loved most is gone? So you make compromises, and so do they. But will they ever really be comfortable with this? Will we?

I've decided to stop trying to solve this all at once, otherwise both me and hubby will lose our minds. I'm just going to see how it all evolves, I'm going to be grateful for the love and freedom I've already got, and when the time comes that I need to ask for more, I will.

Serious question, do you have strong, good friendships outside of your husband? People he doesn't normally associate with?

How much time do you dedicate to that? What kind of allowances do you have for that?
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