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Old 01-24-2014, 07:32 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: East Bay California
Posts: 134

Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
This DADT thing is hard to manage, especially living together. And tbh I'm starting to think that was never even truly on the table to begin with. Gf made it very clear she didn't wanna argue about this stuff anymore and told me she knows what I need and that I'm going to do what I want... But just as my therapist warned me it's just a cop out to avoid truly dealing w things. Bc then when I DO go & do what I want there's arguments, accusations, passive aggressiveness. Icky drama that makes me feel bad.
She probably isn't being honest because she doesn't want to deal with it.

To be fair to her, if she really is mono then she shouldn't really be dealing with it.

She should be treating you're excursions, I think, as if you were hanging out with friends; technically you are, right?

I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy.

This DADT stuff makes me feel like shit. I feel like a liar and a cheater which I DESPISE. Thats not me. That's not who I am or what I believe in. Wtf??? How did I get here???? What am I doing??? I feel so fucked...!!!! ;(
You have to decide what you need.

I'm pretty mono. I'm not really against poly, but I've never cultivated it so I don't really have that aspect in my life.

The way I handle my wife's intent (she is being very gradual, for which I am grateful) is to think of my wife as having friends she deserves to be with and hang out with. The hard part is to imagine sex as one of those hobbies she does with her friends, given that I've been trained my whole life to be a monogamist.

It doesn't help really that even a couple years ago my wife explicitly said she wouldn't tolerate infidelity, so this is still something we are working out.

So maybe the way to go about this gently is to just have friendships and build up her sense of trust in you. Just hanging out with friends, just having coffee, just whatever that you do with people you love that doesn't require crossing the sex boundary.

Of course the question is, "Why is sex out of bounds?"

The answer is, "Why are you staying with a GF who can't handle your extra-curricular activities?"

There's no real hard and fast rules here other than being compassionate, on both sides.
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