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Old 01-23-2014, 10:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,022

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Since you already feel uncomfortable? May as well go for it and communicate straight up. (Stinkage with a purpose and hope of relief once it is cleared up) is better to me than (indeterminate, never ending stinkage.) Could go for the least stinky!

I don't know if this helps, but maybe something like...
"Husband, when we first decided to open our relationship we had lots of talks and ground rules were set. You didn't want anything but sexual encounters, no emotions or relationships involved. You were ok if I developed feelings for anyone I was involved w and completely understood as long as I came home to you. That is the standing agreement.

I recently came across personal ads you put out looking for relationships. In specific "a best friend with benefits or a partner to share your interests with." That sounds like emotional relationship to me. Are you now seeking emotional relationships?

If so...
  • Were you planning to discuss this with me at some point after posting the ad to update our agreements?
  • Were you planning to change the agreements without letting me know at all?
  • Did you know my actual preference is for you to discuss changes to agreements beforehand?

I desire emotional connection to you. When you are off seeking that emotional connection elsewhere in ads while joking "why can't I find someone exactly like you?" I'm exactly like me. I am here already. I feel taken for granted.

I need you (as my husband) to consider me, give opportunity to share emotional connection as spouses, and keep shared agreements. If they need to change, I need you to come to me FIRST and make me aware and renegotiate so I don't have to experience stumbling upon it that way again. I did not enjoy that.

In future are you willing or not willing to do those things so I can enjoy peace of mind? What sort of behavior can I expect from you in future? "
I get that these things also bug you:
  • him mentioning never wanting monogamy again
  • you feeling bad he doesn't get as many date offers as you at meetups.

But those are other separate things. Since the main thing that bugs you at this time seems to be the personal ad discovery leaving a bad taste in your mouth, could focus on solving one thing at a time here and ask what his intention was and what kind of behavior you can expect in future so you are not caught unawares again.

I don't want to be in an open/poly relationship anymore.
Fair enough. Stop dating other people.

Could ask if your husband is willing to stop dating new people. If he has current partners it is not kind to ask him to dump them, but you could ask if he's willing to not be adding more on.

I'm hurt that he doesn't share feelings with me.
I'm hurt he won't let me share his interests with him.
What does those two things have to do with being in open/poly relationship? The prob is him not relating to you in the way/frequency you would like. That could also happen in a monoship. You could be in a monoship with him and he's still not sharing feelings or sharing interests with you in the way/frequency you like.

Could directly address what you really want solved here -- ask him if he's willing to change his behavior so he does share his feelings more often with you. And he does invite you to share his interests more often.

I don't know what he actually does but if he goes bowling every Fri nite, ask if you can come along with him on 2nd and 4th Fridays. Or bowl Saturday. You know... TALK. He's not a mind reader. If he doesn't think to ask you, YOU could ask him out. It's a two way street. You are allowed to go "Hey, I miss ya. How about we go bowling together Saturday?"


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-23-2014 at 10:34 PM.
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