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Sounds like you have been on quite a roller-coaster ride, as far as M and your feelings about her are concerned. Your wife has been very generous to be supportive of this emotional attachment with M, and seems to be genuinely concerned about your own welfare when she sees how upset you can be over the M situation. I am certainly supportive of polyamory and of people's efforts to live polyamorously, but there are some cases where poly isn't working very well and this seems to be one of those cases. M doesn't seem to be a very suitable partner as you can't rely on her to be there for you. Her interest levels seem to run hot and cold.
I wonder if starting a blog on the Life stories and blogs board
might be helpful for you. You might also find it helpful to read other people's blogs on that board. It could help broaden and deepen your perspective on the many roads people travel, and it might help you to feel less alone.
I would say put your marriage first at this time, and let the thing with M be of secondary importance. I would even try to take steps to not think about her so much. You need to clear your head and think more about other things for awhile so that you can come back and size up the M situation with an objective frame of mind. The shared workspace makes that more difficult but don't let that become an excuse to slide down the easier path. You've got to take the bull by the horns and steer your own destiny.
I hope we here on Polyamory.com can help.
Kevin T., "official greeter"
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