I don't know that I want to be poly anymore
Hi. I found this site while searching for help on this issue and joined since I don't have anybody I can talk to about this. My best friend deals w/listening if I bring it up but is obviously annoyed and all my other friends are mutual friends w/my husband and always run and blab anything I tell them even if it's in confidence.
I've been in a serious committed relationship with my husband for 9 years and married for 1. We've been open/poly with our relationship for about 5-6 years of that time. *I have a few issues here so please bare w/me if I seem to be rambling and kinda get thoughts jumbled I'm having severe anxiety and have been crying for a few days off and on now*
When we first decided to open our relationship we had lots of talks and ground rules were set. He didn't want anything but sexual encounters, no emotions or relationships involved for him. He knew that I'm an overly emotional person and would likely develop feelings for anyone I was involved w and completely understood as long as I came home to him. I did have several relationships w/both men and women over the first few years, none of which lasted very long because they were not anything I was really looking for. He has only made out w/1 girl and slept w/my best friend *with my consent and sometimes with me involved* I haven't had another relationship or even interest in anyone in over 2 1/2 years.
I recently came across personal ads he's put out looking for relationships. In specific "a best friend with benefits or a partner to share his interests with." He's never once told me he now wants a relationship with someone else. He has made it clear on more than one occasion, out of the blue, without me bringing anything up and when conversations haven't even been in that direction that he could never go back to being monogamous. I'm hurt he's never opened up to me and told me he wishes to have an actual relationship w/someone else now. We've had long emotional talks about our feelings and needs and he never brings it up. We don't have a lot in common but I've tried to show interest in things he does and have even enjoyed them on occasion but none the less I will try things and indulge his interests whenever he gives me opportunity but most times he doesn't even ask or mention things. He tries on occasion to do things he knows I like as well which means a lot to me but I never get the chance to do it for him.
Recently we've started going to poly meet up's in our area and have made a lot of new friends in doing so. This is where my biggest issue comes in to play. He's not really made any connections w/ppl but there seem to be a lot of ppl interested in me. I've even agreed to go to dinner w/someone we've made friends only to find out after agreeing that said person was interested in me and this was a date not just friends spending time together. While she's a lovely person, I'm just not interested. I'm not interested in any of these ppl even though I have a lot in common w/them and do find them attractive. I have no desire to be w/anyone other than my husband. I've come to realize he's all I need and desire. I've recently hit my sexual peak being in my mid 30's *he's 29* and our sex life as of late has been amazing! He's joked before saying "why can't I find someone exactly like you" which makes me think...I'm exactly like me! I think one of his reasons for wanting a relationship so badly is because he sees his best friend w/3 to 4 ladies now and is envious that someone who is not nearly as attractive as he is and is kind of a jerk to his ladies has so much luck.
I don't want to be in an open/poly relationship anymore. I'm hurt that he doesn't share feelings with me. I'm hurt he won't let me share his interests with him. I feel so lost and empty right now. I can feel a real ache in my chest. I don't think I'd be as upset if he still just wanted the sexual encounters since we had a 3some w/my best friend for his birthday a few months ago and I was ok w/it. I don't know how to tell him this because I feel guilty I've had success and he hasn't had any. What do I do?