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Old 01-22-2014, 02:31 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,262

This may be hard to hear. I mean it kindly ok?

You have bigger problems than you outranking your friend or you even having a friend.

You are dancing around the topic of "abuse."

Possibly because it's hard to use that word in relation to yourself. Or it is hard to believe it could happen to you.

Let's be clear here:
  • You don't want to cheat... because abuse would rain down on your head.
  • You don't want to get a divorce... because abuse would rain down on your head again.
  • You want to be free to live your life in a different way -- but cannot because you fear abuse will rain down on your head if you try.

If your wife is abusing you, the best thing you can do is check your military resources for this sort of thing. Get professional care on the civilian side if you prefer. But however you do it? Please get help.

If you are not ready to get the help? Please THINK about getting the help, and stay as safe as possible while thinking it out. If not ready to actually call, at least look up the number to call. One micro-step closer.

Om afraid to. I dont want to risk my family. She is also vicious when angry and she emotionally abuses me. The first time, when things fell through, I became suicidal.
That is SERIOUS. To escape abuse you wanted to kill yourself.

Worried about physical risk to your family? You are correct there -- it is not unheard of for the abuser to take it out on the kids /block access to the kids if their victim is being "sassy" -- it is one of the ways to bring the victim back into line.

You felt entitled because of her cheating affairs -- have you both healed from all that? Or still have work to do? Could do the repair work that is still left pending.
I take that advice back. I thought this was "normal" marriage problems at the time. Abuse changes the name of the game.

I think it is better to put energies into being free of abuse and getting away from the person so that you can feel safe again.

Still sadness to work through and healing to do. But safe, no longer abused, and no longer suicidal.

This would not go over well.
You are correct.

Normally I go with honesty, but no. Abuse is not normal circumstances.

Do not be up front and honest at this time. I take that back also. Some abusers see you standing up for yourself as a challenge to smack you back down. So don't let her see, and don't stick your neck out until you are ready, have educated yourself, have secured professional advice, have a safety plan, and are prepared to LEAVE. If you have to lie to be able to reach safety and be safe from abuse? Lie so you can reach safety and be safe from abuse.

Assess, plan the mission, execute the mission -- think of it in military terms if you have to.

The leaving time is the dangerous time, and you don't seem like you are at that stage. Stage 5 leaving time stage. You seem at Stage 1 or 2 -- you want it to just STOP. But you do not want to leave at this time.

Practical suggestions?
  • Perhaps reading the stages will help you. While written for women, anyone could be abused and the stages are still the same. Scroll down to the stages part --
  • Could review the tactics and highlight what you experience. Could take it to a counselor to help you formulate a plan -- BEFORE you ship back! You are safe right now -- could take the advantage.

I have to choose to go one way or the other. Despite all the happiness that my friend gives me, there is still a lot of pain. Its hard to hide.
Of course you are in pain. I am very sorry you are being abused. You do not deserve this. NOBODY deserves to be abused.

I hope you choose to be free of abuse and take appropriate steps to do so safely. If the price of being free of abuse is to get a divorce from your abuser? You could consider paying the price so you can save you and your kids from this toxic environment.

You could remind yourself that if you want to, you can keep on loving her... from a safe distance. Out of the line of fire.
You could remind you that you can love her but NOT love her abusive behaviors.

You could get you and the kids to safety. Feel whatever you feel. But please... you could make "get me and kids out of the line of fire" your priority in your action behaviors.

You have children -- and they observe. It is not just their physical health at risk but their mental and emotional health also.

I don't think you want to groom your children to become easy targets because they grew up thinking this is "normal" marriage stuff. How much worse would it have to be for them before it finally registers as "hey... this is not normal! I could not expect to be treated this way!"

Worse? You probably don't want them observing and learning this is the way to treat a spouse and become the abusers themselves.

Tread carefully. Seek professional care. As a military person abroad, you actually have access to resources and time away from your abuser to seek it out in.

Could take the advantage and get yourself information/aid.

Could go talk to your superior officer. Could use your chain of command. Could help people help you. You deserve to be treated well.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-22-2014 at 04:40 PM.
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