I was trying to figure out why I was so inherently turned off by my ex-husband wanting a three way relationship with M and me. And also why I was actually disgusted instead of pleased with A asking a female friend to have sex with us. And how the two were correlated.
I realised that in both cases,there was the objectification of one more parties involved. In both cases, my ex-husband did not ask for my opinion on if i wanted to love M independently, what M wanted, what I wanted, what he wanted, what he expected, etc. And this is true in the case of the man I am currently dating.
I have also had this problem from the other end, being bi and female, being approached by three different couples now, all wanting me to be a threesome with them.
So I did some researching on this site this evening and came across the unicorn stuff, which is probably basic stuff for a lot of you folks, but since i freely now express my true feelings about multiple loves, i do not have the fear of frequenting this site, or my kids seeing me on this site or asking questions ect that i had in the past.
Anyway, I guess this is why I haven't had sex with a female yet, it always seemed to come with a lot more strings than I wanted: In that was it wasn't just a relationship between me and her that develops naturally just like any other male/female dynamic, it seemed to be operated and micromanaged by one or both of the other people involved (My self included when i was married although this was by honest mistake as i didn't even want to admit i liked the woman nonetheless any of the rest! It was a confusing mess at the time. Doesn't make me less accountable, just offers a reason behind the bad behaviour...understanding of the self.)
So I realised, with my current relationship, A, that I learned a lot from him already in terms of healing from my past abuse stuff, in fact I became free and whole, and this is the first relationship I can freely express myself with out any of the previous triggers and hangups i had in the past. I have desensitized myself, and over come all those and i'm pretty dang proud of that because it took a hell of a lot of work, I went to therapies, writing, art therapy, groups, workshop etc before I felt I was definitely on the way to healing totally and completely.
Poly naturally took a backseat, but since my first experience into that forray was with a teenage girl friend, it never completely left my mind, just got put in the back burner as such!
Anyways, A asked me to be fearless, hes told me time and again i'm completely free to do anything i want to do, with no restrictions or limitations. I also think he would love the poly world if he knew it existed, simply to be free himself, to love whomever he wants to love, whenever he wants to love them. But i do know in saying that, and in my conversations wih A, I want to define what I want in a relationship. He's asked me specifically what I want but I had no clue. I mean I knew what I didnt want, but I had no idea what I DO want. So I have spent the evening thinking on this, and will do so more and refine this as i come back to it, i'm also taking this list with me when I see A this weekend.
Since our relationship is so new, we have only been seeing each other one month, and just defined it this week as girlfriend boyfriend, i want to set my bounderies and priorities clearly, which means i need to know what they are.
In the past, with a man named N, I dated him knowing he hated that I was bi and wanted to be nonmonogamous. Strangly i dated him a year and lived with him for a few months trying to conform to his box of what he thought was right. I wanted so badly at the time to bea person who is like the movies, has one true love, and spends the rest of their life together, and by going through that relationship i let go of that fantasy, as it isint a reality for me. Instead i now look on that silly ideal as a limiting belief fed to me by disney and other propoganda, and that instead my destiny is what i choose, and that may be many loves or none at all depending on my degree of honesty, openness and courage/fearlessness.
So without further ado here is my list so far:
1) I want freedom in all my relationships to date women and men, that all are in the know and ok with this :-)
2)I want to be able to have time with the person in the real world, not just texts and emails, but quality time together- this is not defined by hours but being present and in the moment when with that person, and preferablly more than once a month if possible.
3)I want open and honest communication between all parties on safe sex BEFORE sex and on types of sex involved (fluid bonding etc and known not know stds how to navigate this ect)
4)I want tenderness and ability to freely touch one another, in public and private with all my lovers. (I dont want any dirty secrets, discretion is one thing, secrets another)
5) I want out of this world fucking fantastic sex. (Don't we all?! hehehe)
6)I want to be able to laugh and be emotionally intimate and connected with the people I love.
7)I want to be free of jealousy and to be honestly openly comfortable with them having more partners (I find this harder with a man being with other people than with women being with other people somehow?? so working on this one in bits and pieces.)
8) I want to go on many adventures and experiences with the people I love in my life- for thats what life is for experience building for me, with all the people in all types, fwb/nonsexual friends/sexual partners/et al.