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Old 01-21-2014, 10:18 PM
LadyLigeia LadyLigeia is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Utopia
Posts: 26
Default "No" doesn't mean ask five minutes later.

Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
She has also told him that she feels that if she is patient, she will be "rewarded." He said he didn't know if she meant "rewarded with a nice platonic friendship with him" or "rewarded with him deciding to have poly relationships again and having a romantic relationship with her."
This is the part that I find the most alarming. She evidently doesn't respect his boundaries and I am quite confident that she didn't mean that her patience would lead to a "rewarding" friendship. It seems like she is perfectly fine with disregarding his wishes in favor of a very one-sided pursuit which doesn't correspond with his desires. That's not a good sign AT ALL because she is violating his comfort zone and failing to respect that he is monogamous. Poly or not, that is really uncool. That kind of "persistence" is merely boundary-breaking behavior, a definitive attribute of rapists and other manipulative sorts of people. I'm obviously not calling her a rapist, but her behavior is definitely inappropriate and manipulative. In my opinion, that is a HUGE red flag because it doesn't reflect trustworthiness or integrity.

Honestly, I've tried to secure friendships with people whose sexual/romantic interest I didn't reciprocate. Aside from the cases where we were friends for a while and then they told me that they were into me, it hasn't been successful because that underlying intention will always be there and unless she can come to terms with the knowledge that a romantic relationship will (most likely) never come to fruition, she will always agendize the relationship to fulfill that objective. Most likely, she'll see it as "settling" for a platonic friendship because she views it as a better option than no relationship at all and use that as a crutch to remain, um, "patient" while clinging to the not-so-secret hope that he "comes around" or whatever. People with this attitude usually don't hide it that well, especially if they were/are attracted to you from the get-go. I've tried to transform "interested" folk into friends but their flirtatious behavior was too flagrant and my rejection of a romantic/sexual relationship with them usually marked the end of our relationship.

My friend and I have been continuously disappointed and hurt when either of us meet a cool person (usually a guy) we want to be friends with. They'll shower us with all kinds of attention and devote a lot of time to us, but when we express that we don't want "that kind" of relationship with them, they are nowhere to be found. It's the sordid reality of the "girlfriend-zoned" and your friend runs a high risk of being "boyfriend-zoned." In fact, he already is.

There was this one kid who I had a lukewarm attraction for and I really enjoy(ed) hanging out with his friends. They would usually hang out at his place. On multiple occasions, I expressed that I a.) didn't want to have sex right away (because I had a feeling he would stop talking to me afterwards) but the sexual tension colored all of our interactions. I told him I didn't want to hook up right away. The last time we hung out, he kept trying to isolate me from the group (and getting pissed when I was enjoying one of the many interesting discussions we were having) to make out with me. A few times, I was even in the middle of talking. The next day, I texted him saying that any kind of "flame" that might have existed and of course, he blamed it on being drunk. I got one measly text from him a few months later and haven't heard from him since. It's lame, but if a friendship is authentic, one will accept that you don't requite their romantic or sexual interest and resume, although they might need time to recover from perceived embarrassment. Let's face it, though - Pursuing someone who has blatantly rejected you shows poor social judgment at best and egocentrism/disregard for the boundaries of others.

"No" doesn't mean ask five minutes later. That adage is especially applicable to your friend's situation. Your friend can't be passive-aggressive about establishing those boundaries, either. In order for any kind of good relationship to flower, he has to clearly communicate that her attention is overwhelming and if she wants to associate with him, she has to respect that he is committed to monogamy and not interested in a non-platonic relationship with her. If she violates his terms and conditions, he has to give her the boot because that conveys disrespect.

Good luck!
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