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Old 01-21-2014, 05:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,134

I still seek emotional love from other women. It isn't about sex to me. It is about emotional fulfilment. But I still am not allowed to have that.
Who or what is stopping you from having emotionally fulfulling friendships? You? Wife? How?

Therefore, I am forced to deny myself. I am forced to always want and never be truly happy.
What do you need to be happy? From you? From someone else?

The Second reason I'm hiding is because I am in the military and this sort of thing is frowned upon because I am married.
Exactly what in your behavior is against military rules? You having a non-sexual friend you care about deeply?

She has a boyfriend but still gives me exactly what I need. I am so happy right now because she has finally told me that she loves me and because she doesnt mind if I have and love my wife.
So you ARE happy. At least on the Special Friend side of the coin.

Seems like problem lies with wife relationship and not the friend relationship then.

You did not appreciate your wife giving the green light, and then taking it back when her other relationship folded. You would still like to be able to have non-sexual Special Friends that you can enjoy and love.

So... you could tell her what you want so you are not keeping it hidden.

You felt entitled because of her cheating affairs -- have you both healed from all that? Or still have work to do? Could do the repair work that is still left pending.

Given my limitations at home, is there anyway that I can maintatin my relationships without having to cheat OR get a divorce?
Yes. To avoid cheating? You could know and articulate what it is you want and what you do not want and make your wife aware. Nothing is hidden.

To avoid a divorce? Well, her willingness to participate in a marriage is up to her. Not you. You are in charge of YOUR willingness. But being up front and honest doesn't cause divorces, so you could be honest and up front with your wife.
"Wife, I don't want a divorce. I don't want to cheat or keep things hidden from you. I want to make repairs to our relationship from all the cheating.

I also want to be up front and honest with you from this point on. So I want to make you aware that I have a special friend. It is non-sexual. I care about my friend and enjoy having the friendship because it brings me joy. She does not replace you or threaten your position as my wife. But given our past history, I want to be up front and honest and stop with leaving things out or keeping secrets. I want our marriage to be strong and healthy."
There. She's aware.

You can maintain your side of the friendship with your friend so it is a healthy relationship.

You can maintain your side of the marriage with your wife so it is a healthy relationship. Tend to your side of the equation. That is behavior YOU can do.

Whether friend wants to help tend her side of the (you + friend) relationship in a healthy way is up to your friend. Not you.

Whether wife wants to help tend her side of the (you + wife) relationship in a healthy way is up to your wife. Not you.

You can only hold your end of the sticks. Hold them well. See if your friend and your wife will hold up their sides.

Even if they do not? At least you have begun to live YOUR life in more authentic, honest ways than before. You no longer have to be tired of not being able to be who you really are. You have given yourself permission to be honest, authentic you.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-22-2014 at 12:15 AM.
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