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Old 01-21-2014, 04:56 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: London
Posts: 35
Smile Exploring Polyamory instead of Monogamy

Hi everyone,
I thought I'd start a blog to try and sort out my head space about relationships.
A little history: I am american ex-pat living in UK, i'm 28 female, single mother...I am bi-sexual. I have been married before, in a monogamous relationship and I used to be Mormon. So like some other people here, It's been a long journey from the Mormon idea of relationships, where women are valued little more than cattle in heaven currency of good works, to the idea that life is worth living in the here and now...and I really want to love more than one person at a time. That I can, it just has to be the right people.

The first time I came across Polyamory was when I was in my late teen's, early 20's. But I dismissed it and when the monogamist route of marrying my ex-husband. I had many things to learn in that relationship outside of Polyamory, self love, and abuse what healthy boundaries and healthy relationships were, were my biggest priority. So I worked on those, by working on those things in myself, it led, along with other things, to the natural breakdown of the marriage.

The man I was with wanted to exploit my bi-sexuality, at a time when I hadn't come out and did not even acknowledge it. And he exploited not only me, but the woman who I had been best friends with since high school. When I became single and divorced and spent a significant time away from my ex-husband, I re-approached the subject of being a relationship with said female friend. We will call her M. M and I drifted after that although she loved me like I did her, our lifestyles were incompatible, because of her desire to have kids and be married, and be part of the mormon culture, and her family would have disowned her, being heavily mormon culture too.

I did not want her to have that heartache and i told her sadly that I couldn't maintain a friendship with her, that i had to consider her an Ex to move on, even though we were never physical I was so emotionally intimate with her it was basically the same thing in my eyes.

So this started a season of my single life back in the UK. When I returned I focused more on self-healing, and sorting out my life. I enquired on polygamist relationships on-line, and offline, and got involved with healthy and unhealthy people on-line and offline, I learned what I wanted in relationships. I had a brief fling with two men at the same time. I had a one year relationship with a monogamous man who wasn't my husband. I tried all these things to see what fit for me. I found that the two men, were actually vying for me to be with one of them, and I still felt a lot of internal guilt about the relationships, which has yet to be resolved. Even though they both knew about each other, and that I was a girlfriend to both of them, I still felt unnecessary guilt. These relationships evolved naturally, and with no force on my part. I went on dates with women. I met a woman who was poly but with women only. I found out what people say, isn't always what people mean, and that poly means different things to different people.

I am at the moment dating a man exclusively inclusively, whatever that means. That was his (A's) terms not mine. I am wondering if he wants a V or a poly relationship, or not. At the moment we are in the throes of NRE, and I am waiting for an opportunity to discuss how he sees himself (monogamist or not) and what he wants out of a relationship in relation to what I want.

He knows that I am bi, that I've not slept with a woman, and that I want to be with a woman, and he attempted to surprise set up a woman date with him (threesome) but I politely turned him down as I am not a one night stand kind of person with any human being male or female. I explained I wanted more, and that that topic is still sensitive and hard for me to explain. I'm not sure what I want, in a poly relationship, I just know I don't want to be trapped in a monogamist one, but the other relationships with women, might not all leads to sex, and it may not just be with other women i want relationships with.

Although having said that, finding ONE good relationships male or female has been hard for me, not only finding one that want more than one
So lets see how it gets on, he's(A) open to discussion and we have great chemistry and a lot in common and we both only want to help people, so already we're coming from very healthy places in ourselves.

This weekend we are spending the weekend away just the two of us instead of the extra woman, and we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend now. The first real substantial relationship for me since M, notice I didn't feel that way about my husband. Which is sad but I was a different person then, and I value myself much more highly in terms of self-worth, also I have two beautiful daughters because of it and I've now got to meet A. So things in my life are peaceful. I work on my business, I spend time with my girls, and I am exploring female friends in my area who have experience in dating multiple people.

I will keep you all informed on what's going on!
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