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Old 01-21-2014, 04:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,275

One of the reasons he chose monogamy for himself is that he seemed to have a knack for picking women who caused a lot of drama and craziness
He actively picks them out? Or he just doesn't say "no" to them when they latch on to him?

He said he didn't know if she meant "rewarded with a nice platonic friendship with him" or "rewarded with him deciding to have poly relationships again and having a romantic relationship with her."
He could ask her what she meant before deciding.

Since he is so drama-adverse, he asked my advice about whether he really can pursue a platonic friendship with this person considering how she is starting things off.
Or... he could be decisive right now without additional information. He could just assess with the data he has so far.

I go with "anything less than a joyous yes is called a working no" for my thinking/decision making processes. Serves me well. Could apply that here.

He can always pursue friendship. What is unknown is what he will receive BACK from her.

Since he has doubts he will receive back "friendship mode" here? He could listen to his doubts and wonder what in her behavior is raising doubts to begin with:
  • She's stated she's attracted to him.
  • She's stated she hates (not just disappointed but hates) hearing that he is not looking.
  • She's stated she's hoping that if she hangs around "being patient" she will be "rewarded" (with what she wants.) (Which means she hated hearing he is not looking and she's not accepting that he is not looking.)
  • She's been inspiring feelings of "confusion ugh" in him with her behavior.

Minor ugh so far, but ugh all the same. Last I checked my friends don't run around creating confusion or ugh for me with their behaviors.

If he experiences doubts, he could accept it is not "a joyous yes!" here at this time that he will receive back friendship. He could call it a "working no" then in order for him to be able to decide right now what to do next.
"I am not open to receive random unknown from her. I am not open to receive crushy-datey from her. I would only be open to receiving friendship from her.

Since I she approaches me weird, and I don't want to ask her to clarify her intentions? I am def not getting loud and clear "friendship intentions here." Lack of joyous yes = working no. So NO! I will NOT pursue friendship here so I can be free from current confusion and potential future drama."
I don't want to advise him to back away from a promising friendship if I'm wrong about that.
Let me lift this up -- an outcome of "friendship" has not been actually promised here. Nothing has been promised from the woman. The question on the table at this time is not evaluating if that possible outcome (friendship) has been achieved yet.

The questions on the table for your friend is
  • "Am I open to receiving random whatever from this woman?" (sounds like "no" to me.)
  • "Am I open to receiving crushy stuff from this woman? (sounds like "no" to me)
  • "Do I even want to know or clarify her intentions towards me? (seems like "no" since he did not clarify at the time.)
  • "What's she offering me here? Is it clear? (Nope. No clear offer of friendship on table.)
  • "What have I gotten so far? (confusion ugh)"

Does he want to sign up for more of all that? Sounds like 4 counts of "no" to me!

He wants your help thinking this out. You don't want to tell him "don't go there" because you don't want to be wrong. How about not making your advice to him be about your want? And having it be about what supports your friend in his current goal? ( I mean that kindly. )

So far what is your confidence or his confidence about her ability to control her behavior and not cross the line or step on toes and keep it in the friendship bucket? Because you are experiencing doubts and so is he. He had to ask you for help and you had to post about it.

It is totally ok to vote "no confidence." That's not "joyous yes" either -- another working no.

If his goal is to reduce drama, ugh, confusion in his life? You could support him in his goal by telling him you vote "no confidence" in her ability to keep boundaries, listen to him (not looking), and accept his limits (wants to ignore it and hang around waiting to be "rewarded"). So far she's been "leaky." So he could consider just skipping this one and seek friendship elsewhere with a less leaky person.

Your friendship with him can handle the honesty and authenticity -- he trusts you. That's why he asked you to help to begin with. So... be honest.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-21-2014 at 05:34 PM.
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