Originally Posted by redpepper
GG, that would mean you have to live by your word and do as you say you will do. Not make hollow promises that sound good but that you don't keep. Not that you would do that intentionally, but it would be extremely important to keep your word at that point. That would mean making sure you think very deeply about what you can do and not take on too much to start with just to prove your worth. Baby steps are better than breaking your promise to take care of the things you say you will.
Thank you for your thoughts RP. I think one of the problems I have is that I fully mean well, and intend to, do something for someone, be it act a certian way, remember something important, take care of something in particular, etc, and it's not that I'm just saying it to "please" them. But what I don't do is make that particular thing important to ME. See, I want to do for others, but somehow I'm having an issue not putting myself in their shoes. In this instance, LR. But it works this way with other people as well.
I have trouble with following through. I say that I will "make sure this bag of clothes leaves the house today", but I really don't care about it myself, and so I "forget" or procrastinate and then it builds up into this huge issue.
Or LR says "I need you to take care of me" and I say I will and mean it in that instance, but after a few days, life happens and I "forget", OR I just don't think through all my actions. Like the concert. I didn't make it important to me to be sure that LR was doing okay enough for me to break away for the weekend. I actually would have had no issue with staying home that weekend and "taking care of her". But because I made an ass between you and me, because Maca was here and she seemed to be doing very well (considering) physically I didn't think she'd need me around right then. And it surprised me, not only because I thought (without thinking) that it would be fine, but I wasn't just going because I wanted to go. I was going because I felt obligated to my other best friend who bought the non-refundable ticket FOR me as a b-day gift.
But I didn't for one moment think through her wanting me around, and if LR was really as important to me as I claim and as I assured her, I wouldn't have even thought to leave. I would've cancelled it the day I found out when the surgery was scheduled for. But I didn't.
And even this coming weekend, I'm debating (or was) whether or not to go out again. But... instead of thinking thuroughly through, I'm assuming again and I'm NOT making her the priority I say she is.
I do love her very much, but something is flawed in the way I think, or don't think rather. I recall Robin Hood: Prince of Theives. "There are no perfect people, only perfect intentions". And that's all fine and well. But that doesn't stop people from hurting others, how ever unintentional. It doesn't allow for dropping the ball, or breaking trust.
And sure, we all make mistakes, but consequences don't give a flying fuck about intentions OR mistakes. And I don't want ANYONE to trust me to not follow through, or drop the ball, or break promises, or talk bullshit. That is no friend, of any kind, at all. But... they do. And that is something I intend to change.
I do love LR with all my heart. I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for her and everything she does and everything she is. But to love her, truly, is to know her. And I DO know her, but I'm not choosing to remember that when it's down to the wire. And I can imagine how that must feel. They're right, I shouldn't v to be "told", I should just know,and act accordingly.