Hiding my true self
Im new here and was looking for a little help. I chose the name Inthedark because that is where I feel I'm living. For several reasons, I am unable to openly live my life as a polyamorous man. I am 35, have been married for 14 years and have two great kids. I only "discovered" that I was poly about two years ago. I had always felt like I was capable of joining in and maintaining more than one loving, romantic relationship at a time. I just thought that I was different or weird. I didn't realize that there is a whole community of people just like me that are out there. That brings some comfort and allows me the ability to talk about it to people that I really trust. I discovered polyamory through my wife. She had visited some poly friends of hers and they introduced the idea to her. My wife has had problems being faithful to me over the years and sh could't understand why. Well when her friends revealed that they were poly, my wife jumped on the wagon. Problem is she probably isn't. I think she just really likes to have sex. Well, I did a lot of research about it and everything I read gave me the indication that I was and truly am poly. About a year after my "discovery" and many long talks with my wife, I found someone. She was considerably younger than me and was smaller than my wife. Having been living a pretty open and honest life with my wife I decided to tell her about my new friend. At that time my wife told me to go for it and have fun as she had found someone as well. Well, about two days later she pulled the plug on me. Her potential arm had backed out on her. THe rejection destroyed her and it tore my heart out as well. But it also caused her to completely reject any idea of a poly marriage. I was in too deep with my friend by that time (I fall hard and fast!) and I also felt entitled because of my wife's past infidelities. So I decide to cheat. Long story short, I got caught! I never did anything with my friend and in hindsight, Im glad I did get caught. She wasn't right for me. But now, I'm stuck living a lie. I cannot admit to my wife that regardless of what happened, I still seek emotional love from other women. It isn't about sex to me. It is about emotional fulfilment. But I still am not allowed to have that. Therefore, I am forced to deny myself. I am forced to always want and never be truly happy.
The Second reason I'm hiding is because I am in the military and this sort of thing is frowned upon because I am married. It is difficult to talk to anyone about it. I think this forum may help there.
Well, now I have found a new special friend. She is amazing and we have both admitted that we couldn't imagine life without each other. She thinks she may be poly but isn't sure. She has a boyfriend but still gives me exactly what I need. I am so happy right now because she has finally told me that she loves me and because she doesnt mind if I have and love my wife.
Well, if you're still with me, here's my question... Given my limitations at home, is there anyway that I can maintatin my relationships without having to cheat OR get a divorce? How would any of you suggest I go about this? I am so tired of not being able to be who I really am. Thank you for your time.