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Old 01-20-2014, 05:16 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post

1) Is telling others that she is "dating people" yet we dialogue about the joy of finding our Primary seem strange? It makes me feel slighted in some way but am I reading it wrong?
It is a good thing that she was up front about having other relationships in her life. "Dating" is a general term, and people can have different ideas about what "dating" is. This may be where you sense a disparity? You consider what you have with her a relationship, not just "dating". So, this is something you should clarify with her. Sounds like you would be more comfortable with her telling people that she has a boyfriend, but that she also dates others. This tells them right away that you are a factor...
And you can point out that by minimizing your relationship to others, she may be making the new person feel more comfortable by appearing more available for dating, but it does not honor your place in her life? Not that I think she was doing anything wrong, per se. Just that people have a tendency to make decisions about what they need in the moment, and are not always used to considering the whole picture.

Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post
2) Should I have any expectations about how or when she shares information about me if any to other people whether or not she decides to become intimate with them?
I think that is up to her. It is her relationship, and she should have the freedom to decide when to share the info. I do think, however, it is completely appropriate to discuss with her in general reasons why she might not share the information.

Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post
3) Her blocking out a large section of time makes me feel odd as she has told me how she would block out more time than required with her ex husband to allow her more free time to herself. This I am sure we can dialogue through but stirs up a bit uncertainty with me.
This seems like a technique she came up with because she needed more time to herself than the ex was willing to give? Or is she just uncomfortable asking and owning what she wants and needs for herself? You could help with that by making it safe for her to ask, and receive, what she needs. letting her know that she does not need to over-estimate for you.

Are you concerned that this is her way of making sure she has time for this other woman? Without having to take responsibility for telling you about it, or negotiating? Or are you feeling as though it is a distancing behavior, and that she is keeping you at arms length?

Either way, you could just ask her. Or, choose to just see how this time period plays out, and talk about it after, if anything comes up.

Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post
4) Anything else anyone feels note worthy, both positive or negative, that I may not be picking up on?

Thank you for any advice in advance.
I agree with Dagferi that she should not need to give anyone a "full report" on you, who you are, what your relationship status is, etc. This comes across as insecure, and you would be better served by exploring why you are feeling the need for this, and what purpose does it serve for her to do it? Ultimately, it is your need for this other person to know you are in her life, and a likely Primary relationship. At best, it is full disclosure. At the worst, it is territorial.

Best of luck, navigating all of this can be tricky, but hopefully also worth it!

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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