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Old 01-20-2014, 03:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,540

What should I expect my partner to share about me to others?
Other people cannot know what is / is not important to share to you in polyshipping. Only you can.

You could articulate to yourself whatever you have decided you want shared. And what you do not want shared with others. (So far you want others to know you exist, and you want to be considered by her in her time management.)

Probably want participants or potential participants to know what open model relationship you all want to practice together. No point in you or her dating people who are seeking something else. That would not be compatible people.

Would expect her to inform her dating partners of that too, right?

Once you articulate your list of things to yourself? You could articulate it to your partner.
  • "Here's what I would like shared" list.
  • "This stuff I do not want shared" list.

Then you could ask you partner
  • "Could you be willing to share this information with each of your dating partners? Could you tell me WHEN will you be telling them this? So I can know everyone is being informed in timely manner, respected, and I can learn to trust you in this new role of "dating hinge" person in a polyship?"

If she responds with "Yes, I am willing to do that for each person I date" -- then you both could acknowledge you have an agreement. You can now expect her to keep your shared agreement.

If she responds with "No" then you know you cannot expect her to share this info. You do not have a shared agreement.
  • You could then re-evaluate the agreement to bring it to something you both can live with.
  • And/or you could re-evaluate whether or not you want to polyship with her without any agreements/expectations at all.

Up to you what you feel like participating in or not and how you participate in it.

1) Is telling others that she is "dating people" yet we dialogue about the joy of finding our Primary seem strange? It makes me feel slighted in some way but am I reading it wrong?
Could ask her "Could you be willing to tell your dating partners I exist? So that I can feel better? I have found I feel slighted somehow when you do not disclose that."

2) Should COULD I have any expectations about how or when she shares information about me if any to other people whether or not she decides to become intimate with them?
Could let go of "should" language. I suggest using "could."

Yes. Before you agree to polyship with her...
  • You could have expectations about how or when she shares information about you to her dating partners and make agreements there.
  • You could have expectations about what she shares with you/you are willing to hear about them and make agreements there.
  • You could expect to have other agreements between you may relate to sex share and healthy hygiene. Because what her safer sex practices are affect not just her health, but her lovers own health and well being.

Even "We expect nothing from each others' behavior -- we are all free agents" is an agreement with an expectation. Could sort out what your agreements will be.

3) Her blocking out a large section of time makes me feel odd as she has told me how she would block out more time than required with her ex husband to allow her more free time to herself. This I am sure we can dialogue through but stirs up a bit uncertainty with me.
You could ask "Could you be willing to tell me you are blocking out time for free time, or to spend with your dating partner or whatever? Just up front? So we can be clear in time management?"

4) Anything else anyone feels note worthy, both positive or negative, that I may not be picking up on?
Have you talked about how to deal in poly hell stuff? Because I see some starting to happen. Normal enough as you are figuring out the "new normal" since nobody is perfect. But could get it figured out and agreements made for handling those things so you don't have to be spending more UGH time than needed in the transition.

You seem bothered by her changing her plans on you a few times. You do not seem to articulate that directly to her at the time it happens.

List of behaviors I notice:


It was shortly before when we normally head off to the bedroom, she made the call to the woman and it lasted for more than a couple of hours. (She could be present with you when with you. Do it later, or excuse herself to make a 10 min phone to make a date with her for a "phone visit" -- not spend hours on the line having the phone date NOW.)


The date with the woman came which would have been one of her free evenings for me. ( I'm initially fine with this but then here comes inconsiderateness...)
  • That morning my partner sent me a text saying that she would be coming to me after after meeting her new friend.
  • 1.5 hours after we planned, I get a message that they were just finishing up and will be leaving after one more drink.
  • 1.5 hours later, I get a message that it is now too late to come and besides they have drank too much.
  • Then she tells me they stayed up late and her cold is worse. Not coming.
  • Then she comes and I choose to tend a sick GF.

    (She could consider your time and not ping pong you. Be more decisive. So you could. Either you or her being more clearn in behavior or BOTH being clear spares you ping-pong.)


At some point this morning I get an incredible feeling of discomfort and I know it is directed to towards my partner. I don't understand what the source is yet.

To me feelings ensure after behaviors. I would guess you did not appreciate her behavior. Like... "When you make plans with me, I expect you to keep date or reschedule cleanly. I do not like being strung along doing phone ping pong all night."

And maybe you are a little bit upset with you for not calling her on it at the time. Esp after the 1.5 hrs the first time.

If both of you are WILLING to polyship but are finding you do not have all the skills to be ABLE to polyship smoothly yet -- could develop those before jumping into dating other people: emotional management, time management, disclosure agreements, what open relationship model you all want to practice, etc.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-20-2014 at 05:55 PM.
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