I need to write about something that I feel really bad about writing. But I need to work through this. Recently rory said to me (this is told with rory's permission) that she has a crush on Hank. First I thought it was just cute, rory was blushing and giggling around him. But later I started to think about what it would mean if Hank returns those feelings and they actually want to start a relationship. I freaked out. Those of you who have followed this blog for a longer time might remember me saying that I wouldn't want my partner to date one of my closest friends. Well this is kinda like that except a hundred times worse.
I've been talking about this with rory and she knows how I feel. It's just so damn irrational. Yesterday I talked about it with Hank as well and even though at the moment he is not returning those feelings, he wanted to know why it would be such a hard thing for me. I started thinking about it again and almost had a panic attack and I said I don't think I can talk about it now. He said I looked really shocked. I can't even explain it, it's such an overreaction. But I think I need a place to work through those feelings without actually talking about it directly to rory and Hank because they're the ones that are involved in it.
- I'm already the one wanting company more than them. If they started dating, I'd be left alone more than I do now. Now if they're seeing someone else outside the three of us, most of the time I can still hang out with the other one.
- I'd have to witness both of them being in NRE with each other but not with me.
- I'm already sometimes struggling with some things with Hank, like time. If he would not give more time to me, but instead was giving it to rory, I fear I'd start resenting both of them for it.
- I value one-on-one time, I don't want us to hang out as a group all the time. I mean I enjoy that as well, but one-on-one is more important. I fear that if they were also in a relationship with each other, they would want to be together all three of us when they used to spend time with just me.
- I fear in general that I'd be left out and they'd pay less attention to me, especially with NRE glasses on.
- If there are three relationships, the chances of one of them breaking up are bigger. Especially now that we're planning on living together, that would just make things more complicated.
- I really really don't want a triad. I know it's a dream for many people but I've never wanted it. Never. And I still don't. Do I have to be a part of a triad if I don't want to? If my two partners decide it for me? Well I guess I'll always have the choice to leave if it feels too bad. But it just feels weird to me that they could make a decision to start a relationship that would influence me a lot more than any other relationship they would start outside this group, and they could just do that without asking me if I want to be a part of this arrangement. Things don't exist in a vacuum. I fear I would resent them both for dragging me into a triad I never wanted.
- Most important of all: I fear I would resent the whole situation so much that I ended up leaving it, and as a result would lose the two people that are the most precious to me, the people I love and want to share my life with. I'm crying as I'm typing right now.
That's it, that's the ultimate fear.
Man, that's a lot of work.