& another update from early Jan
I had a frank conversation with Plinth about my capacity for connection with him these days, i.e. as a friend, with a friendship that could express itself in many ways perhaps, but definitely no expectations for sex. This had been panicking me somewhat, so it was good to get it straight.
I set up a date night with him for soon afterwards. I wanted to get closure to the conversation, to check in that everything was okay. We caught up with a mutual friend for drinks, and had lively conversation and flirty touching at the bar table. Then the two of us walked to the river and watched the fire flares along the river bank, drank wine and talked. I stayed over at his place, and we fell asleep watching a movie. Kisses, cuddles, and cosy bedtime. Mellow.
Sex, especially penetrative sex, does not come easily to me. I mean, fuck, yeah it does, but on the other hand, it doesn't. It isn't a simple thing. For a relationship to be a safe sexual space for me, it can take a lot of work. I need to really feel the connection.
My first few sexual experiences were abusive ones. The first especially so, when I was a child. I've worked through a lot of things, but still, there are trigger points.
Also, I don't seek out casual sex just to get off. Well, I do... Hmm. How to explain.
Yeah, I love sex, I love the release of sex and the joy of sex, but it's an energy I am careful with. If I'm horny, I possibly could call a friend / fuck buddy just to get off, but I'd rather not. The uncertainty of how that would feel, emotionally, makes it too much of a risk sometimes. And in any case, I don't prioritise sex as an activity, very much. Or at least, I'd rather manage it myself (masturbation, fantasies) rather than involve other people in getting sexual release, if that's the only purpose of the connection.
I think it's in part because I've experienced my appetite for sex increasing the more I feed it... It really feels like there's no end to it sometimes. So, if I start getting in the habit of having sex for fun, I fear I'll invade the time I'd rather spend doing other things. Life goals, and such.
The situation is different when sex in a relationship is cultivating the connection, and contributing energy to other things in my life. It's hard to explain well, and I know it sounds a bit heavy on sex. Like sex is only useful when it's in service of other ("higher"?) aims. I don't mean it like that. Sex for sex's sake is like learning for learning's sake. A pleasure, a joy, and not something I would condemn. But I have limited patience for it, personally.
Maybe I need to be more patient. Maybe it's a hangup from my Catholic upbringing. Not sure. I'm open to shifting on this!
But yeah, right now, it's taking a lot of work to establish healthy dynamics between Grotto, Lobe and myself. We have some significant terrain to chart. I had to admit: I don't have the capacity for developing a healthy sexual relationship with Plinth as well.
I felt shit that this could come across as "sorry, Plinth, I have someone in my life I like better than you, I don't have time for us anymore." As if I'm upgrading from him. He said he didn't see it like that at all. He knows I love him and I care about our relationship. Whether or not we have sex doesn't change this.
Interestingly, last night, fucking Grotto, I had moments when I wished Plinth was there too. We've had some hot threesomes. It's funny how I think I'd be able to handle that better than one-on-one sex. Not sure if it would be weird for Plinth, if I made that distinction. Anyway. No doubt I'll find out, if the situation ever presents itself.