Originally Posted by Magdlyn
#2-- can you give examples of comfortable small steps and uncomfortably huge ones?
#3 I have not met my bf's new interest... it might help, I am sure it will, if they establish an ongoing relationship. But, I havent met her yet and she does feel like a threatening shadow.
#4 How active?
#2 It's a bit hard to specify what a comfortable small step means, because everyone has different expectations/experiences of what constitutes a challenge. The idea I got from talking/reading about it was that a new step should push a boundary a little bit further than before, so for me that was things like agreeing to Astraeus going on a date with Daedalea without him having to message me during the evening. Prior to that, he'd always had to message me a couple of times, and then I realised that wasn't much fun for him, because he'd have to keep checking what time it was and whether it was time to message me. Also, it was keeping me 'small' so to speak, so when we did our agreement up, that was the moment I said, okay no more interruptions from me during a date unless it's an emergency. It was challenging at first, of course, but it wasn't agonising or anything, and I'm totally okay with it now.
An example of a step that was too big and painful was pretty much the only major mistake we've made so far - Astraeus misinterpreted something I said about not wanting to know details of what they did, and he took a fairly major relationship step with Daedalea without discussing it with me first, which was horribly painful for me and thus horrible for him and Daedalea too, what with all the emotional fall-out. That was actually what precipitated the agreement being formulated, because we were starting to step all over each other's toes just because no one was really clear on what the boundaries were.
#3 If you do get the chance to meet your bf's new interest, I highly recommend it. I can't tell you how much it's helped me to get to know Daedalea - on the one hand because I can see from both sides what she and Astraeus bring to each other's lives, which makes all the difficult moments meaningful and worthwhile, and on the other hand because we can talk to each other, share our feelings about things (both good and bad) and help each other to discharge any fears we might have about each other. I was always afraid that she would 'steal' Astraeus away from me, for example - getting to know her showed me that she was not that kind of person at all, and she was also able to tell me that she wasn't going to do that, which was a bonus.
Even if you and your metamour (am I using that word correctly?) don't become best mates or anything, I think it's nice to see each other at least once, so you are real to each other.
#4 - Taking an active interest in Astraeus & Daedalea's relationship means to me that I ask them both how they're doing, how they're enjoying spending their time together, the things that they like about each other ... that sort of thing. When Astraeus comes home from seeing Daedalea, I ask him whether he had a nice time and what sort of things they did or talked about, just as I would if he was returning from spending some time with a friend. They write together a lot, so I like hearing about what they're working on (and I get to read along and give feedback, which is a nice way to be involved
). We have a communal chat area on Facebook where we all talk to each other every day about whatever's going on in our lives, about how we're feeling, or about whatever issue we might need to discuss that we can't in person for whatever reason. Basically - we are constantly in touch with each other, both in the context of Astraeus and Daedalea's relationship, mine and Daedalea's friendship, and the three of us as a ... well it's not a triad, but it's closer than a vee.
Man, I *do* ramble on (Astraeus is taking Daedalea to the train station after she spent the night and day with us, so I have to do something while I'm waiting
I hope this helps though! Feel free to ask if you have any more questions.